0096 – How to Avoid a Fight Before it Starts – Fight Week!

 

This week is all about conquering conflict, and today we going to talk about how to de-fuse an argument when you see it coming on the horizon.

 

By the end of this episode:

  • Top 8 strategies to end an argument before it starts

Describe the problem

…When you put two humans with different perspectives, viewpoints and experiences together, you will inevitably, at some point, have conflict. But for those who are trying to make relationships work, is it possible to avoid conflict in the first place? And if it isn’t, how do you approach conflict in a rational manner before things escalate?

Segment #1

  1. 8. Don’t stockpile – Are you only letting go of a problem because you’re reserving the right to bring it up again later? That’s called stockpiling, and you’re already admitting that you’re down for an argument as soon as you have enough ammo.
  2. 7. Understand Anger – Psychology Today There is a vast difference between anger and rage. When someone is angry they need to state their feelings, they don’t break things or relationships – that is ragefull behavior.
  3. 6. Don’t avoid it – Conflict often sucks, but avoiding it doesn’t make it go away. Ignoring your own, and your partners issues only allow them to further create a volcano of emotion that’s bound to blow any day now…
  4. 5. Keep your voice low –  Science has proven that smiling makes you happy, that also means that escalating your volume can escalate a problem. Keep your voice low in conflict situatiuons and it’ll be tougher to get into a full blow argument.

Segment #2

  1. 4. Talk about feelings – Ugh, feelings…I know how you feel guys. Unfortunately, during an argument, this is what’s coming out more often than not, so why not address them before you’re screaming at the top of your lungs? You might actually get something solved.
  2. 3. Don’t threaten the relationship – “Maybe we should just break up then”, it’s like the relationship wildcard and the ultimate argument to sway everything to your side. Be careful of crying wolf…your partner may stop believeing you after a while…or evern worse, maybe they will believe you
  3. 2. Don’t engage – Choice is awesome, it allows you to have a favorite ice cream, favorite sport team, and even a favorite way to respond to argument bait. Just say no, to things that are clearly egging you into an argument and stay focused on the positive and constructive bits, and you’ll emerge from more conversations fight-free

Final Thoughts:

#1. Know your and your partners triggers (and avoid them!) – That last part is the important part. You’ve been togetherfor a while, and you know that he’s sensitive about his…tupee. You know she thinks she’s fat in that dress, but you’d never stoop so low to use that to get an upper hand in an argument…or would you?

  • Elijah’s Thoughts
    • Show grace
  • Sarah’s Thoughts

 

In Closing

If you have a question, comment, or funny story about [INSERT SHOW TOPIC] we have a private SafeSpace on facebook where we talk about all sorts of social, professional, and romantic relationship topics, and after every show you can go there and share you story, get some advice from great people or just hang out. Both Sarah and I are there every day and you can be there too, just go to www.relationspodcast.com/join and click the “Join Now’ button.

Until we meet again, keep striving to make every relationship you have the best it can possibly be, including the one with yourself. We’ll talk soon.

0095 – The Real Reasons Why Couples Fight – Fight Week!

This week is all about conquering conflict, and today we going to understand why couples get into conflict in the first place

By the end of this episode:

  • The top 10 reasons why couples get into conflict in the first place

Describe the problem

…You get along great…except when you don’t. Sometimes conflict seems to arise out of nowhere, or sometimes you find yourselves fighting and re-hashing the same issues over and over. Today we’re looking at the top ten reasons couples have conflict…and maybe, with a little knowledge, you can avoid these same traps.

Segment #1

  1. 10. Social Media – Why did she ‘Like’ his picture on Facebook? Why is she chatting that guy up on Instagram all the time? Social media can sometimes connect us with someone who drives us away from our partner, causing conflict.
  2. 9. Extracurricular Activities – Playing soccer keeps you fit, spin class lets you keep up with the gals on a regular basis, but when that time interferes with you and your boo’s private time, there might be a fight on the horizon.
  3. 8. Work – Congratulations, you got a new promotion, and you worked your tail off for it. 60 hour weeks got you the title you always wanted, but if your partner feels neglected, there might not be a party waiting when you come home…
  4. 7. Chores – “If he would only do the dishes once in a while…”, “Ugh, why does she leave such a mess in the bathroom?!!” Sharing a space with your partner requires shared cleaning duties, and when one side isn’t holding up their side of the bargain, it’s fightin’ time.
  5. 6. Friends – Your best friend has had your back forever, you love your partner with all your heart, but when they get together it’s like cats and dogs. You can only ride the fence for so long before you get pulled into their conflict one way or another

Segment #2

  1. 5. Family – Your dad hates him, your mom wishes she’d just find another guys life to ruin, your parents are extra protective of you, but may be inadvertantly causing some strife between you and your partner…ok, maybe it’s on purpose too…
  2. 4. Kids – It’s late, you both have had a long day, and all you can think about is some of that good, sweet lovin when– “Can I sleep with you tonight mommy?”. Kids are adorable, until they reach cockblocking age…at birth.
  3. 3. Infidelity – Nothin get a fight goin like poking your thing somewhere you weren’t supposed to…don’t expect your partner to just let this go. Even though you brought this one on yourself, the fight might not be as one sided as you think…
  4. 2. Jealousy – “I see the way you look at him”, “She’d be all over you if you gave her a chance”. Keep fighting with your partner over what another person might want to do with them, and you might give them the perfect opportunity to do it

Final Thoughts:

 

#1 Money – The Notorious B.I.G. said it best, “First things first, I Poppa, freaks ALL the honies…”. He also said, “Mo Money, mo problems”. Couples just can’t seem to play nice when those clean crisp dollar bills are in the picture…making it the #1 reason that fights break out in relationships.

 

  • Elijah’s Thoughts
    • Get to the why, then try to solve
  • Sarah’s Thoughts

In Closing

If you have a question, comment, or funny story about [INSERT SHOW TOPIC] we have a private SafeSpace on facebook where we talk about all sorts of social, professional, and romantic relationship topics, and after every show you can go there and share you story, get some advice from great people or just hang out. Both Sarah and I are there every day and you can be there too, just go to www.relationspodcast.com/join and click the “Join Now’ button.

Until we meet again, keep striving to make every relationship you have the best it can possibly be, including the one with yourself. We’ll talk soon.

0094 – Love Language Week: You’d Never Guess This Thing About Physical Touch

 

How to know if you or your partner’s love language is words of affirmation, and how to show love to your partner this way.

Teaser Bullets

by the end of this episode you’ll learn:

  • …what the love language of Physical Touch is
  • how to know if you partner receives love this way
  • the number 1 tip to show your partner love through Physical Touch

Describe the problem

…In the beginning of your relationship, you couldn’t keep your hands off each other. Now it’s a few months or years in, and you’ve settled into a more comfortable routine with your partner. Sure, you don’t cuddle as much on the couch while watching movies, or hold hands when walking into the grocery store, but you guys are in love and everything cools down eventually, right? Well, if your partner’s love language is Physical Touch, he or she is likely acutely noticing how things have “settled.” So how can you show your partner love this way without grossing everyone in the restaurant out? Find out after the break.

Segment #1

Quick review of love languages

How to know if this love language is yours or your partner’s:

 

    • 8. Definition:This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.” (http://personalitycafe.com/articles/112444-five-love-languages-explained.html)

How to know…

    • 7. What does your partner complain about most often? E.g. Why don’t we cuddle anymore? or I think it’s so nice that so-and-so and such-and-such are always touching or I wish we had more sex
    • 6. How does your partner typically show love to others? E.g. He or she may be a “hugger”, likely has no problem being physical with friends platonically, or is always doing light touches during conversation
    • 5. What does your partner request most often? E.g. Cuddle time, PDA, sex

Segment #2

How to show…

    • 4. This can be a tough language to learn if you didn’t come from a touchy family, or if you have any history of touch being used negatively in the past, but like other languages, try to see the little opportunities (rather than always focusing on sex) that you can touch your partner
    • 3. Designate times/circumstances when you ALWAYS touch your partner. For example, every time you park the car and walk into the store, hold hands. Or every time you are at dinner with another couple, you allow your knees to touch.
    • 2. Sex is important to a partner whose love language is physical touch, sure, but so is non-sexual touch. Backrubs, quick brushes on the back of the neck or lower back when you pass each other, or even a quick kiss before running out the door all speak volumes to your partner.

 

Final Thoughts:

Number One Tip: Use your imagination. If this is not your “thing” this is probably one of the easiest languages (and most fun!) to learn. You don’t have to be attached at the hip or uncomfortably passionate in public, but this language is all about the little touches…a hand on the knee in the car, a head on the shoulder at the movies, or even just a hand to the elbow when asking, “can I get you anything?”

 

  • Elijah’s Thoughts
  • Sarah’s Thoughts

 

In Closing

If you have a question, comment, or funny story about [INSERT SHOW TOPIC] you can send us an email at elijah@relationspodcast.com. You can also follow us on Twitter at “Haverelations”, find us on facebook at facebook.com/haverelations. I’m @elijahryoung on Twitter, my amazing co-host (and author of “How to be Dumped: The definitive Breakup Guide” is @sarahJStorer on Twitter and this show’s notes and soon, it’s transcription, will be at our home base, relationspodcast.com/94, and don’t forget to subscribe to the Get the Gal, or Get the Guy mini course in the sidebar!

Now go forth and continue to relate better to one another. We’ll talk soon.

0093 – Love Language Week: How You Can Master Giving Words of Affirmation

 

How to know if you or your partner’s love language is words of affirmation, and how to show love to your partner this way.

 

Teaser Bullets

by the end of this episode you’ll learn:

  • …what Words of Affirmation is
  • how to know if you partner receive love this way
  • the number 1 tip to show your partner love through Words of Affirmation

Describe the problem

Segment #1

 

Quick review of love languages

How to know if this love language is yours or your partner’s:

    • 8. Definition:Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your partner’s love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to him or her. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends spirits skyward. Insults can leave your partner shattered and are not easily forgotten.” (http://personalitycafe.com/articles/112444-five-love-languages-explained.html)

How to know…

    • 7. What does your partner complain about most often? E.g. You never tell me you love me anymore or Why don’t you ever want to talk about us?
    • 6. How does your partner typically show love to others? E.g. He or she is the person who is always encouraging friends to get out there and try again, showering people with compliments, or verbalizing to the people she loves just how much she loves and cares for them.
    • 5. What does your partner request most often? E.g. Tell me what you’re thinking, why do you like me?, how do I look?, might even specifically ask to talk about feelings for each other

Segment #2

“I appreciate you”

How to show…

    • 4. There are lots of ways to tell your partner how you care…through being encouraging, through simply being kind, to even just humbly making requests instead of demands.
    • 3. Tell your partner often you love them.
    • 2. Set a reminder in your phone, or make a note in your calendar to give your partner one genuine compliment every day for a month…and see what happens

 

Final Thoughts:

Number One Tip: Be brave, allow yourself to be vulnerable…and try to avoid harsh words said in anger. Lots of people struggle with expressing themselves verbally…but if this is your partner’s love language, you’re going to have to find some courage to do it anyway. SAYING things out loud is much harder than cleaning the kitchen or writing a sweet note, but the reward is greater than the chance for rejection.

 

  • Elijah’s Thoughts
  • Sarah’s Thoughts

 

Show Close

If you have a question, comment, or funny story about [INSERT SHOW TOPIC] you can send us an email at elijah@relationspodcast.com. You can also follow us on Twitter at “Haverelations”, find us on facebook at facebook.com/haverelations. I’m @elijahryoung on Twitter, my amazing co-host (and author of “How to be Dumped: The definitive Breakup Guide” is @sarahJStorer on Twitter and this show’s notes and soon, it’s transcription, will be at our home base, relationspodcast.com/93, and don’t forget to subscribe to the Get the Gal, or Get the Guy mini course in the sidebar!

Now go forth and continue to relate better to one another. We’ll talk soon.

0092 – Love Language Week: When Does ‘Acts of Service’ Turn Into Manipulation?

 

How to know if you or your partner’s love language is acts of service, and how to show or receive love this way.

Teaser Bullets

by the end of this episode you’ll learn:

  • …what Acts of Service aren’t
  • how to know if acts of service is your partner’s love language
  • the difference between love in this language and manipulation
  • easy steps to take to if your partner best understands love through acts of service

Describe the problem

…You’re always forgetting to put your underwear in the hamper, or your partner seems cranky with you after he worked in the yard all day and you went to the spa. It might just be that, like receiving gifts, your partner is looking for symbols of your love for him or her…but this time, it’s through your actions. So how do you speak the language of love through acts of service? And is there a difference between being a happy partner and an indentured servant? Find out next.

Segment #1

Quick review of love languages

How to know if this love language is yours or your partner’s:

 

    • 8. Definition: All about ACTION…doing something for your spouse that you know they would like for you to do. Cooking a meal, washing dishes, taking out the garbage, mowing the lawn, renewing license plates, changing the baby’s diaper, and painting the bedroom, etc. Words are nice, but like gifts, this language is about showing or symbolizing that love through actions.

How to know…

    • 7. What does your partner complain about most often? E.g. You never seem to help out around here, or I’m always doing everything
    • 6. How does your partner typically show love to others? E.g. He or she is always volunteering to stay after a party to help clean up, doesn’t mind running errands in a pinch for a friend, and may or may not organize your stuff without asking.
    • 5. What does your partner request most often? E.g. “Honey-do Lists,” please do ABC, please take care of… These requests will always require you to DO something

Segment #2

How to show…

    • 4. Re-examine your idea of gender roles. If you get too stuck in “men do this and women do this” you may be completely neglecting how your partner feels and receives love because you refuse to take out the trash or change a diaper. Remember, you’re partners in this thing together, so “man up” and clean the toilet, or “woman up” and take out the trash.
    • 3. Re-frame nagging. Tired of your partner bugging you to do something? How about you reframe it as, “Wow, he is really expressing to me exactly how he wants me to show him love today.” A little cheesy? Yes…but imagine how good your partner will feel when you finally file those bills. (though it’s good to note that there is a difference between nagging and manipulation, re: “ “If you were a good spouse, you would do this for me” is not the language of love. “You will do this, or you’ll be sorry” is manipulation, not love. If acts of service are to be acts of love, they must be freely given. Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love.”)
    • 2. This might be one of the more difficult languages to learn (that’s why they’re called languages…you actually have to learn to “speak” them), but try to “see” things you normally wouldn’t. Partners who receive love through acts of service would FAR prefer to never have to mention their need…they want you to voluntarily help. So try to see and anticipate before they have to ask.

 

Final Thoughts:

 

Number One Tip: Don’t take it personally (also worded as “get over yourself”). You might do something for your partner, and then he or she might question or criticize the “rightness” of how you did it. See if there is something you can’t learn from the criticism, and re-frame it as, “The next time I do this task, I’ll be able to show my partner I love him that much more.”

 

  • Elijah’s Thoughts
  • Sarah’s Thoughts

 

In Closing

If you have a question, comment, or funny story about [INSERT SHOW TOPIC] you can send us an email at elijah@relationspodcast.com. You can also follow us on Twitter at “Haverelations”, find us on facebook at facebook.com/haverelations. I’m @elijahryoung on Twitter, my amazing co-host (and author of “How to be Dumped: The definitive Breakup Guide” is @sarahJStorer on Twitter and this show’s notes and soon, it’s transcription, will be at our home base, relationspodcast.com/92, and don’t forget to subscribe to the Get the Gal, or Get the Guy mini course in the sidebar!

Now go forth and continue to relate better to one another. We’ll talk soon.

0091 – Love Language Week: Is the Receiving Gifts Love Language Materialistic?

 

How to know if you or your partner’s love language is receiving gifts, and how to show or receive love this way.

Teaser Bullets

by the end of this episode you’ll learn:

  • …what receiving gifts doesn’t mean
  • how to know if receiving gifts is your partner’s love language
  • easy steps to take to if your partner best understands love through receiving gifts

Describe the problem

Segment #1

Quick review of love languages

How to know if this love language is yours or your partner’s:

 

    • 8. Definition: Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures. (http://verilymag.com/dr-gary-chapman-explains-the-5-love-languages/)

How to know…

    • 7. What does your partner complain about most often? E.g. “Don’t you think of me when you’re away?” or “I can’t believe you forgot our anniversary.”
    • 6. How does your partner typically show love to others? E.g. He or she is always bringing a little something to gatherings, might keep small trinkets and gifts from others for years and years (and they truly have sentimental value), or make a very big deal out of someone’s birthday, anniversary or achievement and accompany this occasion with “something to remember it by.”
    • 5. What does your partner request most often? E.g. “I’d love if you brought me something back from your trip.”

Segment #2

How to show…

    • 4. Think small and be creative: remember, this language isn’t about materialism, it’s about tokens or even something tangible that says, “I was thinking of you in this moment.”
    • 3. If this language is completely foreign to you, trying keeping a “gift idea” notebook or doc. Every time you hear your spouse say, “I really like that,” write it down. Select gifts you feel comfortable purchasing, making or finding, and don’t wait for a special occasion. Becoming a proficient gift giver is an easy language to learn. (http://personalitycafe.com/articles/112444-five-love-languages-explained.html)
    • 2. When in doubt, use your best asset: yourself. Sitting quietly with your partner while he or she is sick, or even being there for him or her during a tough time can be a gift. (this is a little different than quality time, because it’s not about undivided attention in a friendly atmosphere…it’s really just about “showing up” when needed)

 

Final Thoughts:

Number One Tip: Big or small…it is the thought that counts.

Gift cards or hastily purchased flowers at the gas station won’t cut it here, usually. Your partner is looking for actual symbols of your love and attention.

 

  • Elijah’s Thoughts
  • Sarah’s Thoughts

 

In Closing

If you have a question, comment, or funny story about [INSERT SHOW TOPIC] you can send us an email at elijah@relationspodcast.com. You can also follow us on Twitter at “Haverelations”, find us on facebook at facebook.com/haverelations. I’m @elijahryoung on Twitter, my amazing co-host (and author of “How to be Dumped: The definitive Breakup Guide” is @sarahJStorer on Twitter and this show’s notes and soon, it’s transcription, will be at our home base, relationspodcast.com/91, and don’t forget to subscribe to the Get the Gal, or Get the Guy mini course in the sidebar!

Now go forth and continue to relate better to one another. We’ll talk soon.

0090 – Love Language Week: What’s the Big Deal With Quality Time?

 

How to know if you or your partner’s love language is quality time, and how to show or receive love this way.

Teaser Bullets

by the end of this episode you’ll learn:

  • …what quality time isn’t
  • how to know if quality time is your partner’s love language
  • easy steps to take to give your partner quality time

Describe the problem

…Quality time is all about undivided attention. But in today’s fast-paced world, it’s the norm to multi-task…even dinner has evolved into “dinner 2.0.” But for the person who speaks the love language of quality time, he or she needs you to be absolutely present with him or her in the moment. So how do you know if this is how your partner feels love? And how can you show it better? Find out in Episode 90–Love Languages: quality time.

Segment #1

Quick review of love languages

How to know if this love language is yours or your partner’s:

 

    • 8. Definition: This language is all about giving/receiving undivided attention. It could be a conversation, or an activity that just the two of you do together. It could even just be sitting at home, watching a movie together or completing a project together. Whatever the activity or mode, this language is all about it being just the two of you, with no distractions, sharing something–thoughts, feelings, or simply time–in a friendly, uninterrupted context.

How to know…

    • 7. How does your partner express himself when he complains? Ex. “I feel like you never spend time with me,” or “We never go out just the two of us anymore.”
    • 6. What’s your partner’s “default” in expressing love? (e.g. Your partner speaks of his or her friends in terms of, “We did this great thing together,” or “We had the best conversation.”)
    • 5. What does your partner request most often from you?

 

Segment #2

How to show…

    • 4. No mutli-tasking…be present, not doing anything else but enjoying time with your partner.
    • 3. If you’re having a conversation, maintain eye contact, pay attention and engage
    • 2. Listen closely for feelings and don’t interrupt. Try to discern what your partner is feeling during your conversation or activity and then acknowledge those feelings. It can be as simple as, “That must have made you happy,” or “I bet that was hard for you to understand in the moment.”

 

Final Thoughts:

 

Number One Tip: Set aside at least one time a week where it’s just the two of you intentionally spending time together without sex, being rushed, taking care of the kids, etc.

 

  • Elijah’s Thoughts
  • Sarah’s Thoughts
    • It’s okay if you have to “practice.”

 

Show Close

If you have a question, comment, or funny story about [INSERT SHOW TOPIC] you can send us an email at elijah@relationspodcast.com. You can also follow us on Twitter at “Haverelations”, find us on facebook at facebook.com/haverelations. I’m @elijahryoung on Twitter, my amazing co-host (and author of “How to be Dumped: The definitive Breakup Guide” is @sarahJStorer on Twitter and this show’s notes and soon, it’s transcription, will be at our home base, relationspodcast.com/90, and don’t forget to subscribe to the Get the Gal, or Get the Guy mini course in the sidebar!

 

Now go forth and continue to relate better to one another. We’ll talk soon.

0089 – 8 Ways To Be More Popular (and Why You Should Try)

GUEST: David and Jonathan Bennett, authors, dating coaches

RECORD TIME: 1/4/14, 1pm

 

 

How to be “popular” and use this skill to get more dates and better, more fulfilling relationships.

 

Host info:

Upcoming Events

http://thepopularman.com/events/

– Reading Female Signs of Attraction

– Reading Male Signs of Attraction

– How To Get a Second Date

– Flirting 101

 

Consulting and Classes

http://thepopularman.com/consulting/

 

ARC (Approach, Rapport, and Close) class= Feb 18, 25, and March 4th

 

https://twitter.com/the_popular_man

Teaser Bullets

by the end of this episode you’ll learn:

  • The definition of “popular”
  • The principle anyone can learn and start using today
  • The number one thing you can do to make your life–and others’ better–

Describe the problem

You remember the popular kids in high school: everything they did seemed effortless when it came to interacting with others. The problem is, the term “popular” can have a negative connotation, as well, sometimes associated with over-confidence, brashness or selfishness…but it doesn’t have to be that way! So how can you take the skills that people who are good with other people use every day and translate them into something real and relatable that makes sense for you? And how can you leverage those skills to meet more people and get better dates? Find out after the break.

Segment #1

 

Ask David and Johnathan their definition of popular.

 

    • 8. Anyone Can Be Popular

– Most people think you are either born naturally popular or not.

– There is a science (and art) behind it that people can learn

– The first step is to stop treating it like a mystery and start learning it

    • 7.Be Your Best Self/Avatar

– “Just be yourself” is bad advice, and leaves many people socially frustrated

– Instead be your “best self” – the best version of you possible

    • 6.Give-Get-Give

– A popular person gives to others (materially and of his time/makes people feel good)

– He gets in return (attention, gifts, etc)

– then he gives back, and so forth, creating a cycle where everyone benefits

    • 5. Treat everyone the same/everyone is practice

– A popular person treats everyone the same way (in an appropriate context), age 0-120

– He applies the principles of popularity to everyone: man, woman, child, people who are handicapped, whatever

Segment #2

 

    • 4. Pay Attention

– Sadly, people are attention-starved. Paying attention to them and details about their lives makes you stand out from boring people.

– Most guys in particular are horrible at observing details

– Observe people: their hobbies, call them by name, mention what they are wearing, etc, and use it in conversation

    • 3. Stand Up For Yourself

– People like assertive individuals. Women don’t like needy pushovers.

– Avoid aggression, passivity, and passive-aggression and be assertive

    • 2. Promote Yourself First

– Most unfulfilled guys tend to promote other interests first: the Buckeyes, a music group, a religion, etc

– Then they act surprised when they are unpopular, because all their efforts make others popular

– We are not saying to be selfish (see “Give Get Give”) but guys need to work on their own self-development and promotion too

 

Final Thoughts:

 

Number One Tip: 1. Have Fun and Make People Feel Good

– Ultimately if you make people feel good and enjoy life more, they will like you

– If you can take that good feeling you give people and move it in a romantic direction (and David and Jonathan teach how to do that), that’s how you get dates

 

  • Elijah’s Thoughts
  • Sarah’s Thoughts

 

Host Info

Upcoming Events

http://thepopularman.com/events/

– Reading Female Signs of Attraction

– Reading Male Signs of Attraction

– How To Get a Second Date

– Flirting 101

 

Consulting and Classes

http://thepopularman.com/consulting/

 

ARC (Approach, Rapport, and Close) class= Feb 18, 25, and March 4th

 

In Closing

If you have a question, comment, or funny story about [INSERT SHOW TOPIC] you can send us an email at elijah@relationspodcast.com. You can also follow us on Twitter at “Haverelations”, find us on facebook at facebook.com/haverelations. I’m @elijahryoung on Twitter, my amazing co-host (and author of “How to be Dumped: The definitive Breakup Guide” is @sarahJStorer on Twitter and this show’s notes and soon, it’s transcription, will be at our home base, relationspodcast.com/[ShowNumber], and don’t forget to subscribe to the Get the Gal, or Get the Guy mini course in the sidebar!

 

Now go forth and continue to relate better to one another. We’ll talk soon.

0088 – 8 “Harder Than They Sound”, But Honest Tips For Recovering From Cheating

 

How to recover and save your relationship if you or your partner has cheated.

Teaser Bullets

by the end of this episode you’ll learn:

  • … how to navigate the “right after”
  • the things you might go through that’ll be surprising to you
  • two phrases that’ll help your relationship into the future

Describe the problem

…You broke the rules, but you’ve decided to stay. Things suck right now, but you think your relationship might be able to make it through. So what are the steps you can take to get back to where you were? And is “getting back” even possible?

Segment #1

    • 8. Get the truth…the whole truth. Be brave. If you don’t know, ask. Commit to honesty. You don’t have to know details, but don’t piece together a truth that might not actually be true. When it’s time to have that talk, lay it all on the table so that you’re both on the same page about what happened, and where you want to go next.
    • 7. Go through the 5 Stages of Grief. Let’s face it, finding out about infidelity might in fact be like a death. You might have to grieve the loss of innocence in your relationship, the loss of trust, and yes, the relationship itself. While you still might have some foundation to continue your relationship on, you’ll likely need to say goodbye to the old “both of you.” Allow yourself to feel all the feels…it’s your brain’s way of helping you cope.
    • 6. Know Who is Responsible for What…both before and after: While it is entirely the fault of the partner who cheated for cheating, you both may need to dig through the circumstances that preceded the infidelity. That’s going to take some hard work, and you may be faced with nasty truths about yourself, your partner and your relationship.
    • 5. Embrace Imperfection–Marriage and relationships aren’t magic…and neither is your love for each other. You will not magically heal overnight, so embrace the new normal, which might be icky and hard and frankly, no fun at all for awhile.

Segment #2

    • 4. Expect the unexpected–A woman who worked through the infidelity of her husband wrote for Oprah magazine that she was surprised at all the weirdly conflicting emotions she had after he confessed. She said there were times when she felt pity for him, was more turned on than ever by him…and all while grieving the hurt he did to her and the marriage. Whatever you’re feeling–no matter how weird it is–it’s probably within the spectrum of what most humans feel when overcoming infidelity…and it’s okay.
    • 3. Have “Neutral Zone” Times–I know a couple who, after infidelity, forced themselves to go on a date every Friday night, whether they liked it (or each other) or not. They were not allowed to talk about the incident, but could only be on their best “date” behavior. For the first few weeks, it was miserable, and they barely talked at all. But after awhile, they re-learned how to relate to each other as a couple. Try creating those spaces for yourself.
    • 2. Get help…together and separately. Talk to someone…a pastor, counselor or advisor. Avoid getting advice from friends and family who may side with or against your partner. Both of you might have some tough issues to work through, and often a neutral third party can help provide an actionable roadmap to healing.

 

Final Thoughts:

 

Number One Tip: “I love you. I thank you.”

Father Josh talked about these two words being harder in some ways than “I’m sorry” or “I forgive you.” Tell your partner you love him or her (you still do, right?), then try to think of 3 things daily that you are grateful for about your partner…then actually express those things to each other. Gratitude will help you begin to remember and see the positive things you already love and appreciate about your partner, and will eventually help to overcome the negativity and hurt that entered your relationship.

  • Elijah’s Thoughts
  • Sarah’s Thoughts

 

In Closing

If you have a question, comment, or funny story about [INSERT SHOW TOPIC] you can send us an email at elijah@relationspodcast.com. You can also follow us on Twitter at “Haverelations”, find us on facebook at facebook.com/haverelations. I’m @elijahryoung on Twitter, my amazing co-host (and author of “How to be Dumped: The definitive Breakup Guide” is @sarahJStorer on Twitter and this show’s notes and soon, it’s transcription, will be at our home base, relationspodcast.com/[ShowNumber], and don’t forget to subscribe to the Get the Gal, or Get the Guy mini course in the sidebar!

Now go forth and continue to relate better to one another. We’ll talk soon.

0087 – 8 Ways To Navigate the “What Are We?” Phase Of Dating

 

In this episode, we’ll teach you the top 8 ways to navigate the new relationship “in-between”.

Teaser Bullets

by the end of this episode you’ll learn:

  • …what not to do with texting
  • how to be clear with your expectations
  • and how to have the best time ever with your new boo

 

Describe the problem

…So you know you like each other, you’ve been on a couple of dates, but you haven’t had “the talk.” How do you navigate this “in-between” without picking out kids names together and totally abandoning your friends while still forging ahead toward something that could be more long term? Find out right after the break.

 

Segment #1

    • 8. Take your time–We’ve all known (or been) those couples that disappear for six months “getting to know each other.” But if this potentially a long-term relationship, you have lots of time to connect and uncover who this new, exciting person is. You don’t need to have “the talk” tomorrow…just enjoy these first moments of getting to know each other gradually.
    • 7. Be yourself–It’s no fun 3 months in to reveal that you’ve been hiding that you’re secretly into the underground knife juggling scene (or whatever). While you’re naturally going to try to be on your best behavior for your new boo, it’s also okay to be the “real you.”
    • 6. Use texting sparingly–Texting should be for flirting and “I’m on my way!” not the more serious talks you need to have with your new boo. And never, ever, send the old, “we need to talk,” text. Begin practicing early on that deeper conversations are had face to face.
    • 5. Don’t play games–Ew. Stop it. Flirting and foreplay are one kind of game, deliberately pouting or being manipulative and shitty because you think it’ll make new person like you more is gross and starts your relationship completely on the wrong foot.

Segment #2

    • 4. Settle down! So yeah, maybe you want to get married and have babies. Or maybe you’ve been waiting your whole life to meet someone as cool as she is…but maybe don’t (?) pick out baby names two weeks in?
    • That said…
    • 3. Be clear with your expectations–while you may not be ready for “the talk” it’s perfectly okay to say, “Hey, I think you’re great and want to keep getting to know you. I’ve decided to stop seeing other people while I do that. What do you think?” You’ll need to decide ahead of time if you’re TRULY okay with your new love saying, “I’m not ready for that…”. It’s ALSO okay to say that you’re eventually looking for something serious, or that you’re not. Be clear, be honest, but don’t feel like you need to drive a hard ultimatum 2 weeks in.
    • 2. Listen, druggie, don’t lose yourself to the high…remember that the initial stages of falling in love are LITERALLY like becoming addicted to a drug. It’s easy to want hit after hit after hit of your new boonopolis, but remember it should never be at the expense of the awesome life you’ve worked so hard to build.

 

Final Thoughts:

Number One Tip: Relax and have fun!

These initial days can be the foundation to something really beautiful, so relax and enjoy it. Breathe through any anxiety you have about the unknowns, and just have a good time.

 

  • Elijah’s Thoughts
  • Sarah’s Thoughts

In Closing

If you have a question, comment, or funny story about [INSERT SHOW TOPIC] you can send us an email at elijah@relationspodcast.com. You can also follow us on Twitter at “Haverelations”, find us on facebook at facebook.com/haverelations. I’m @elijahryoung on Twitter, my amazing co-host (and author of “How to be Dumped: The definitive Breakup Guide” is @sarahJStorer on Twitter and this show’s notes and soon, it’s transcription, will be at our home base, relationspodcast.com/[ShowNumber], and don’t forget to subscribe to the Get the Gal, or Get the Guy mini course in the sidebar!

Now go forth and continue to relate better to one another. We’ll talk soon.