Author: Judah E

 

We’re talking about toxic relationships and how they affect our lives.

By the end of the first of this two part series:

• You’ll learn 8 ways to identify a toxic relationship

Describe the problem

…Toxic relationships can be everywhere: our friendships, our workplace, our family or partners. Science has shown that these relationships not only affect us emotionally, but also physically, and can even alter our entire quality of life. But how do we know we’re in a toxic relationship in the first place? Find out in episode 116: Toxic Relationships, Part One.

Segment #1

How to know you’re in a toxic relationship, from Psychology Today:

1. When you’re with [the person], do you usually feel content, even energized? Or do you often feel unfulfilled and drained?
2. Is there a lot of negative energy, plans without follow-through, or little substance in the relationship (besides “history”?)
3. Do you feel physically and/or emotionally safe with this person, or do you feel threatened or in danger?
4. Is there a fairly equal “give and take” in the relationship? Or do you feel like you’re always giving and he/she is always taking?

Segment #2

Other toxic relationship signs:

1. Is the relationship characterized by feelings of security and contentment, or drama and angst?
2. Do you feel like he/she is happy with who you are? Or do you feel like you have to change to make him/her happy?
3. Does the person rarely apologizes or take responsibility for their own mistakes?

 

Final Thoughts:

#1 Tip to know you’re in a toxic relationship: After you spend time with him/her, do you usually feel better or worse about yourself? “People are there to enrich our lives, not make them uncomfortable or sad or empty. We want to be there for our friends/lovers/family, but make sure they would be there for us too.”

• Elijah’s Thoughts
• Sarah’s Thoughts

 

In Closing

If you have a question, comment, or funny story about [INSERT SHOW TOPIC] we have a private SafeSpace on facebook where we talk about all sorts of social, professional, and romantic relationship topics, and after every show you can go there and share you story, get some advice from great people or just hang out. Both Sarah and I are there every day and you can be there too, just go to www.relationspodcast.com/join and click the “Join Now’ button.

Until we meet again, keep striving to make every relationship you have the best it can possibly be, including (and especially) the one with yourself. We’ll talk soon.

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We’re talking about how to know if you should be patient with your partner, or if you should leave that to someone else

 

By the end of this episode:

• What situations may require patience
• How to be patient with your partner
• The #1 tip for patience in your relationship

Describe the problem

…Surprise! Relationships involve human beings, which means that there will inevitably be times where one human needs to be patient with another human. But are there “good” and “bad” types of patience? And how long should you be patient until you finally lose your mind over one more dish in the sink? Find out in Episode 115: How to be Patient.

Segment #1

Situations where you might find yourself being patient (for right or wrong reasons)

1. Partner going through transition: new baby, new job, new place, new phase…big (and sometimes not so big) transitions can be tough for some, monumental for others. Your partner might be stressed or angry or just simply out of sorts. You find yourself needing to be patient while you weather the storm.
2. Partner experiencing sadness or loss: Susan Sontag said “you can never ask anyone to change a feeling.” This saying is never more true when it comes to sadness or loss. Perhaps your partner’s parent passed away and he or she is grieving. It might seem easy to grieve with them in the beginning, but if you are not experiencing the same loss, you might have to be patient with your partner while they grieve
3. Partner says they’re not ready…yet: you’re not on the same page with what you want. Maybe your partner has been clear about what they want (and you’re not listening), or they’ve asked for time as they figure things out
4. Partner is a giant jerk-off: From Captain Awkward–”When my needs come into conflict with what is actually happening, I will teach myself not to need those things anymore. I will sacrifice them on the altar of TRUE LOVE. Our relationship will be like a constant audition where I strive only to show the best, prettiest, least messy parts of myself to prove that we should be together!” You do this weird balancing act…”I will be so good, they won’t have a choice but to see my goodness as the salvation from their own continued badness.”

Segment #2

1. Definition: Patience: the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, difficulty, or annoyance without getting angry or upset. But! Just because you have the capacity, doesn’t mean that it’s required in every situation.
2. Reframe patience into an act of compassion, both for yourself and your partner: “Compassion is the act of reaching out to those who are suffering—including ourselves. I definitely suffer when I’m impatient, because lack of patience is a stress response to whatever is going on in my life. I can feel the stress in both my mind and my body. And so, cultivating patience is a way of taking care of myself, which is the essence of self-compassion.”–Psychology Today
3. Ask your partner what they need: sometimes it’s not enough to simply “feel” patient, sometimes you have to practice it openly. Maybe your partner needs someone to talk to, or maybe they need alone time. Have an open discussion about how you’re trying to be understanding, but you may need help in how that understanding manifests itself.

 

Final Thoughts:

#1 Patience has an expiration date: patience with a partner’s transition or loss or even quirks you don’t understand all has a time limit, meaning that your partner should not be grieving forever or transitioning forever (for their sake and yours). And if you’re in the situation where you’re being patient with a partner who cannot tell you or give you what you want, or is not a nice or good person to you more often than not…no need to be patient, go.

 

• Elijah’s Thoughts
• Sarah’s Thoughts

In Closing

If you have a question, comment, or funny story about [INSERT SHOW TOPIC] we have a private SafeSpace on facebook where we talk about all sorts of social, professional, and romantic relationship topics, and after every show you can go there and share you story, get some advice from great people or just hang out. Both Sarah and I are there every day and you can be there too, just go to www.relationspodcast.com/join and click the “Join Now’ button.

Until we meet again, keep striving to make every relationship you have the best it can possibly be, including (and especially) the one with yourself. We’ll talk soon.

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We’re going to give you some tips on how your relationship can survive living together. This show references articles from GuyCodeBlog on MTV.com and HowStuffWorks.com. Check out these and all resources, quotes, etc from this show on our site at relationspodcast.com/114.

 

By the end of this episode:

• 8 Tips to live together, and keep your relationship

Describe the problem

…You’ve moved in together, but it’s a little different than your typical roommate situation (in that you probably didn’t go to college with this person, and you touch pants parts a lot). So how do you handle all the day-to-day details of living with another human, while bolstering your relationship? Find out in episode 114: Moving in Together (Part Deux).

Segment #1

1. Close The Bathroom Door Don’t go to the bathroom with the door open. Just don’t. By the time you live together, you’ve probably seen each other cry and puke…but just keep that last mystery behind closed doors. And while you’re in there, try not to pee all over the place, please.
2. Don’t Forget The Romance A little bit of that excitement is going to fade from the relationship once you start farting in front of each other–it’s not a matter of if, but when. So make sure to still plan a date night once in awhile, cook a surprise meal or even bring her a little something special (not the toilet paper she asked you to pick up) to keep the romance alive.
3. Do Your Part With The Chores Some guys expect their live-in girlfriends to cook, clean and do the grocery shopping while they just kill spiders and maybe take out trash once per week. Sorry, dude, that fantasy only exists on “Mad Men.” There are no gender specific chores anymore. Here’s your apron…what’s for dinner?
4.  Keep In Touch With Your Boys Make sure not to fall into a domestic black hole with your lady and then forget about your friends. Do a night out with the guys–it’s a good way for you and her to have some healthy time apart. Just remember that when you come home, you’re crawling into bed with a sleeping, sober person who doesn’t care for your booze-breath and snoring.

Segment #2

1. Discuss responsibilities. You may already be on the same page regarding chores and finances, but if you’re not, it could prove disastrous. So on the off-chance you’re not thinking the same thing, discuss these unpleasantries beforehand and work out a detailed plan regarding how things like cleaning, cooking, rent and utilities will be split.
2. Be on neutral ground. It’s hard to feel truly at home when you move into someone else’s space; and if someone else moves into yours, it may feel like your space is being invaded. If possible, start fresh in a home you pick out together.
3. Give yourself some space. As much as you love spending time with your partner, remember, we’re talking 24/7. Few people can manage that level of togetherness without some kind of break. Make sure you each have, guilt-free, some type of area to call your own, plenty of “me” time and/or time with your other friends built into your living arrangement.

 

Final Thoughts:

#1 Go To Bed When She Does The nice part about living alone is that you can stay up ’til 3 a.m. watching horror movies and playing video games. The nice part about living together is that you have a more entertaining option: SEX! Go to bed at a normal hour and leave your Xbox Live friends hanging for another night.

• Elijah’s Thoughts
• Sarah’s Thoughts

 

In Closing

If you have a question, comment, or funny story about [INSERT SHOW TOPIC] we have a private SafeSpace on facebook where we talk about all sorts of social, professional, and romantic relationship topics, and after every show you can go there and share you story, get some advice from great people or just hang out. Both Sarah and I are there every day and you can be there too, just go to www.relationspodcast.com/join and click the “Join Now’ button.

Until we meet again, keep striving to make every relationship you have the best it can possibly be, including (and especially) the one with yourself. We’ll talk soon.

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What are some things to consider before you move in with your partner? Today’s show references article from HowStuffWorks.com, Mens Health and Cosmopolitan.com. To see all the resources for this show and leave a comment or question go to the page for this show at relationspodcast.com/113.

By the end of this episode:

• Things to consider before moving in
• How to know it’s time to move in together

Describe the problem

…You like each other…a lot, and you’re ready to take it to the next level. You’ve decided to combine households, and it’s exciting, but it’s a little different than your typical roommate situation (in that you probably didn’t go to college with this person, and you touch pants parts a lot). So how do you handle all the day-to-day details of living with another human, while bolstering your relationship? Find out in episode 113: Moving in Together (Part One).

Segment #1

Please consider…

1. Finances One of the biggest relationship stressors (much bigger than a beach vacation) is money. Moving in together means tying your lives together financially, and if you don’t know what you’re getting into, you could end up with more conflict (not to mention resentment) than you bargained for. Is your partner a spender? A saver? A starving artist? A compulsive shopper? It doesn’t necessarily matter what the answers are, you just need to have them before you commit to cohabitation so you can make an informed decision before jumping in.
2. Space So, you already spend five nights a week at your partner’s place. The question is, do you count the hours until you get to go home and be alone? Living together part-time is very different from really living together. Are you ready to give up a lot of your personal space and privacy? And are you and your partner on the same page regarding how much of that space and privacy you’ll maintain after merging homes?
3. Expectations Moving in together can be a smart thing for couples who are already spending most of their time together. You’ll both cut your living expenses, and you’ll be burning a lot less gas when you don’t have to drive back and forth from each other’s homes. And if one of you thinks you’re being smart by moving in together, and the other thinks you’re preparing to get married, someone is going to end up very hurt (and/or homeless). Motivations are a crucial factor and need to be understood beforehand.
4. Kids If you or your partner has children, the ante is significantly upped. Moving in and moving out is a much bigger deal when there are children moving with you, so think about it long and hard, and then think about it again. Most kids need stability to thrive.

Segment #2

1. Your Relationship Will Change Now that you’re “domestic partners,” things are going to be different around here, mister. Effective immediately. “Cohabitation,” says Miller, “is a lot like turning the TV to your favorite channel—and then leaving it on 24-7. You’re bound to see some stuff you don’t like so much.” For one thing, your beloved won’t always look as hot as she used to when you picked her up on a Saturday night. Yes, that gorgeous lady is still in there somewhere, but now you’ll have to get acquainted with the stinky chick who just came home from the gym, and the testy woman who’s too preoccupied with the Weiner account to succumb to your frisky antics. Know this and accept it before going in.
2. Your Problems are Wedlocked Live-in couples have to deal with many of the same issues spouses do. One of the thorniest is keeping the relationship fresh. Because you’re no longer dating, it’s crucial that you maintain the relationship’s fun factor. For starters, don’t become too reliant on one another. “It’s really important not to put all your eggs in one basket,” says Whitman. “Often, people make the mistake of giving up all their other relationships just because they’re living with someone. You need to spend time apart to appreciate the time you spend together.”
3. You’re Not Engaged, Yet – Like it or not, when you move in with your girlfriend, you’re sending a message: “I’m ready to settle down.” Unless you’ve made it clear that living together is not a formal engagement, she’s likely to think there’s a diamond ring in her immediate future.

 

Final Thoughts:

#1 Protect Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself “Make sure your name is on the lease!” warns Sherry Amatenstein, relationship expert and author.  Sherry describes a couple she was working with recently: “They were going to buy a place together and the woman was just gonna let her boyfriend put his name on the contract and not hers.  I talked her out of that in a heartbeat. It may not sound romantic, but you need to protect yourself in case of a split and you need it in writing.”

• Elijah’s Thoughts
• Sarah’s Thoughts

 

In Closing

If you have a question, comment, or funny story about [INSERT SHOW TOPIC] we have a private SafeSpace on facebook where we talk about all sorts of social, professional, and romantic relationship topics, and after every show you can go there and share you story, get some advice from great people or just hang out. Both Sarah and I are there every day and you can be there too, just go to www.relationspodcast.com/join and click the “Join Now’ button.

Until we meet again, keep striving to make every relationship you have the best it can possibly be, including (and especially) the one with yourself. We’ll talk soon.

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Today we’re talking about your sleeping style with your partner. What does it all mean? Is it BS? Today’s episode features references to Web MD, CanadianLiving.com, and Huffington Post. To see these resources, leave comments, sories, anecdotes, etc, go to our show notes page at relationspodcast.com/112

By the end of this episode:

• How your sleep position affects you
• Sleep position examples
• How couples sleep

Describe the problem

…If you’re like my grandparents, who have been married for 67 years, you still sleep all cuddled up, every single night. But other couples might find they get no sleep at all with their cover-stealing, limb-thrashing bedmates. In this episode, we’re looking at 16 types of sleep positions, and just what they might mean for you and your partner.

Segment #1

1. A study analyzing six common sleeping positions, including the fetal position and the “log” (lying on your side with both arms parallel to your torso and legs), found that each position is actually linked to a particular personality type. One thing is clear, however. “If you sleep in a bad position, you’re more likely to be grumpy the next day,”
2. Fetal Position – if you curl up in the fetal position when you sleep, you may be tough on the outside and soft on the inside. According to the research, this was the most common sleeping position; 41% of the 1,000 people in the study slept in the fetal position. More than twice as many women as men tend to adopt this position
3. The Starfish – And if you know anyone who sleeps on their back with both arms up around the pillow (a.k.a. the “starfish”), you are in luck because such sleepers make good friends. They are always ready to listen and offer help.
4. The Log – if you sleep like a log, at least positionally, you are typically easy going, sociable, and want to run with the A-list crowd. As a result, however, you may be gullible. People who sleep on their side with both arms out in front can be suspicious and cynical.
5. Freefall Freefallers like to sleep on their stomachs with heads turned to the side and arms curled near their pillow. Seven per cent of those surveyed said they preferred this position and identified as being sociable and brash, though inwardly nervous and often sensitive to criticism.
6. Soldier The Soldier Position, lying on your back with both arms straight at your sides, was the first choice for eight per cent of study participants. Character traits for those who prefer this position reflect their disciplined namesake, with sleepers identifying themselves as people who set high expectations for themselves and others, and exhibit a quiet and reserved nature.
7. Yearner The Yearner is one who sleeps on their side with both arms stretched out in front of them. Thirteen per cent of people surveyed chose this as their favoured sleep position, and identified themselves as having open personalities, but were sometimes prone to suspicion and cynicism. Yearners are also described as slow decision makers, but once the choice is made they stick to it.

Segment #2

1. Cherish – back to back but touching (18%) This couple are comfortable, intimate and relaxed with each other. A popular position in a new relationship.
2. Liberty – back to back but not touching (28%) This couple feel connected whilst independent enough to sleep separately. They are used to each other and accept each other’s sleeping habits.
3. Pillow talk – Face to face (7%) This position represents an intimate need for one-to-one contact and conversation in bed
4. The Lovers – face to face with legs intertwined all night (4%) This is love’s young dream position where you cannot bear to be separated as each moment together counts. A position for the born romantics.
5. Spoons – male spoons with the female on the inside (13%) This is a traditional position, in which the male takes the lead and protects his lover. Couples sleep side-by-side each curled up with each other in the foetal position. Traditional spooning is the most common position adopted by couples during the first few years of their relationship or marriage. It shows both a strong sexuality and feeling of security in the relationship.
6. Spoons – spoons with the female on the outside (5%) Spoons – Female
7. Spoons with the female on the outside (5%) In this position the female takes the lead and protects her man while he is sleeping.
8. The Romantic – woman lying with head and arm on man’s chest (1%) This is the popular Hollywood movie bed scene position. An intimate pose much favoured in a new relationship or after love making. It represents new / rekindled love.
9. Superman – man lying in star fish position with woman hanging off the bed (1%) In this position the male is king of the bed, he likes to have his way and the female is happy to oblige.
10. Superwoman – Woman lying in star fish position with man hanging off the bed (1%) The woman rules the bed in this position, she likes her space and the man takes a secondary role and lets her take it.

 

Final Thoughts:

• Elijah’s Thoughts
• Sarah’s Thoughts

 

 

 

In Closing

If you have a question, comment, or funny story about [INSERT SHOW TOPIC] we have a private SafeSpace on facebook where we talk about all sorts of social, professional, and romantic relationship topics, and after every show you can go there and share you story, get some advice from great people or just hang out. Both Sarah and I are there every day and you can be there too, just go to www.relationspodcast.com/join and click the “Join Now’ button.

 

Until we meet again, keep striving to make every relationship you have the best it can possibly be, including (and especially) the one with yourself. We’ll talk soon.

 

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We’re doing this early, so you don’t have any excuses…here’s how to have an amazing, if not the best, Valentines Day this year.  This show contains references from YourTango.com. You can see these resources and leave comments, questions, complaints at relationspodcast.com/111.

 

By the end of this episode:

• Reigniting Passion
• Making Valentines Day the Best This Year
• Playful Ways to Spend Time With Your Valentine

Describe the problem

…Hallmark holiday or not, Valentine’s Day is still a day many people recognize as a time to tell someone just how much you care. Here are a few tips to make this day special if it’s your jam.

Segment #1

1. Start With Your Valentine’s Love Language – If you aren’t already familiar with Gary Chapman’s “The Five Love Languages” –words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, quality time and gifts. (For your relationship’s sake, put this book on the top of your reading list.) For now, to take a good guess at what your partner’s love language is, ask yourself two questions: one: what have I done that really makes my love happy? Two: what do they complain about either not receiving from me or from their past partners? These two questions will give you insight as to what their primary and potentially secondary love languages are. Now anchor your Valentine’s gift around what matters most to them by incorporating their love language.
2. VDay Idea! – Communicate Differently – Have dinner together, put the cell phones away and have a conversation. However, use a foreign dialect and have fun with it. You can be the Natasha to his Boris and or even the Catherine to his William. Anything goes when you’re having a good time.
3. Go Back to the Beginning – Sometimes we forget why we fell in love with our partner in the first place. So why not try and recreate the feelings you had when you first started dating? Get him a gift that reminds you of your very first date, or write an inside joke that you used to share on your Valentine’s card. It will bring back those butterflies from when you were first falling in love.
4. VDay Idea! Swing – No — you’re still staying with your partner! Visit a local kid’s playground and go on the swings. Make sure you take in the sensation of the wind against your face. Then take the feeling of playfulness home with you and enjoy the rest of your evening.

Segment #2

1.  Find Your Phermones   create a personalized adventure for your love. Make a fun gift certificate and wrap it up. Include a mysterious title which gives a hint of what the adventure will entail, describe the following on the certificate: attire (what should they be wearing on this adventure or should they bring a variety of outfits?), preparation (what do they need to do to get ready for it?) and timeframe (does the adventure have specific dates and/or time of day?) A personalized adventure may center around pampering, eating, physical activities, a favorite book or movie, or pretending your international spies by doing some geocaching.
2. VD Idea! – Two-Step All too often, you forget about dancing unless you’re invited to a special event like a wedding. Since no one’s watching, put some music on and let the good vibes take you over. Dance to whatever music makes you and your partner comfortable.
3. Be Creative And Original – Do, create or give your Valentine something they have never done or received before to ensure a memory to last a lifetime. This means forget the roses and chocolates, unless they are an accessory to a grander gift. Put your creative hat on and without being too specific, inquire with your love about their preferences to different ideas by asking good open-ended questions. Places to go to spur your creativity: local event calendars, concierges at your local hotels, online coupon companies like Groupon, Gilt or Goldstar, and fun online newsletters like UrbanDaddy will always offer inspiration. Think about their hobbies or something they have mentioned wanting to do; maybe it’s flying, stunt car driving or cooking lessons.

 

Final Thoughts:

#1 Appeal To Their Personal Tastes “It’s the thought that counts,” is never an excuse to be cheap but a declaration to spend more time analyzing what matters most to the recipient. Creating a memorable experience doesn’t always need to involve spending a lot of money, just know what your partner values before making a purchase. By paying attention to what is happening in their life at the moment you will be able to play to their specific needs, wants and desires.

• Elijah’s Thoughts
• Sarah’s Thoughts

In Closing

If you have a question, comment, or funny story about [INSERT SHOW TOPIC] we have a private SafeSpace on facebook where we talk about all sorts of social, professional, and romantic relationship topics, and after every show you can go there and share you story, get some advice from great people or just hang out. Both Sarah and I are there every day and you can be there too, just go to www.relationspodcast.com/join and click the “Join Now’ button.

Until we meet again, keep striving to make every relationship you have the best it can possibly be, including (and especially) the one with yourself. We’ll talk soon.

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Before we can talk about moving on, we have to talk about healing from past heartbreak. Today’s show comes from articles on PsychologyToday and Boston.com. You can get these resources on our show notes page at relationspodcast.com/[ShowNumber]

By the end of this episode:

• 8 Ways to Heal from HeartBreak

Describe the problem

…No matter how you slice it, breakups or hurt in relationships suck. And sometimes that heartache can feel like it’s lasting forever. So how do you begin to heal when you’ve been hurt? What steps can you take to begin to be ready to move on from heartbreak? Fine out in Episode 110, Healing from Heart Break.

Segment #1

1. Get perspective. Heartbreak is nothing new. It’s mentioned in the Bible, Shakespeare, and bathroom stalls everywhere. In the Led Zeppelin song “Heartbreaker,” Robert Plant laments, “The best years of my life gone by, here I am alone and blue. Some people cry and some people die by the wicked ways of love.” Wicked indeed.
2. Avoid unhealthy behaviors. Avoid diving into a new relationship or engaging in casual sex, Hansen said. “Casual sexual relationships immediately after a breakup can cause a person to become overly attached to someone that they wouldn’t otherwise be interested in.” Also, avoid withdrawing from others, clinging to your ex or the hope that you’ll get back together and continually beating yourself up, she said.
3. Be realistic about bouncing back. Expecting yourself to bounce back after heartbreak is unrealistic. (And this expectation, when inevitably unmet, can just make you feel worse.) “You have lost an important person in your life and it is to be expected that you will not feel like your normal self or be able to accomplish normal chores, activities [and] duties,” Hansen said.
4. Write your pain. After your anger has subsided from a 5 million-degree roil to an I’m-under-control simmer and you’re out of Kleenex, it’s time to write breakup poems. Do not compare love to a wilted flower. Do not send them.

 

Segment #2

1.  2. Seek support from a therapist. Right after your breakup, you might feel more comfortable talking to your loved ones, Hansen said. However, after a while, you might avoid reaching out because you worry your loved ones expect you to stop grieving. That’s when talking to a therapist can help. “Having an outlet to express the pain, discomfort, fears, and sadness, such as a therapist’s office, can reduce the sense of guilt and shame a person may feel for not ‘getting over it yet.’” Also seek help if it’s been a month or two and you still don’t feel better — or you feel worse and have more intense depressive ruminations, Hansen said. “A therapist will be able to assist with the depression, helping you feel better and regain your self-esteem and hope for the future.”
2. Get active. When you’re feeling depressed, it’s especially important to move and trigger those feel-good endorphins. But this doesn’t have to be a long run or a tough workout. “Even if you can only walk down to the corner store, around the block, or just to the mailbox, that is still something,” Hansen said. Do what you can, and try to incorporate more activity every day or week, she said.
3. Appreciate your steps — however small.  Acknowledge the steps you have taken to heal, Hansen said. This could include anything from going to work to opening the blinds to having lunch with a friend to brushing your teeth, she said. “You have to remember to honor where you are and acknowledge yourself for what you are doing.”

 

Final Thoughts:

#1 1. Confirm you have the ailment. If it’s your first heartbreak, expect physical symptoms such as tightness of the chest (or nausea), loss (or gain) of appetite, and watery eyes (this is also known as “crying”). If you find yourself plotting revenge sex, then you’re probably heartbroken. Imaginary conversations with the heartbreaker are also common, as is an avoidance of music by Air Supply and Barry White.

 

• Elijah’s Thoughts
• Sarah’s Thoughts

 

In Closing

If you have a question, comment, or funny story about [INSERT SHOW TOPIC] we have a private SafeSpace on facebook where we talk about all sorts of social, professional, and romantic relationship topics, and after every show you can go there and share you story, get some advice from great people or just hang out. Both Sarah and I are there every day and you can be there too, just go to www.relationspodcast.com/join and click the “Join Now’ button.

Until we meet again, keep striving to make every relationship you have the best it can possibly be, including (and especially) the one with yourself. We’ll talk soon.

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We’re discussing cold reading, and how you can use it during the dating process.

 

By the end of this episode:

• What is cold reading
• 5 Types of Cold Reads

Describe the problem

…If you’re looking to make a quick connection with someone, even non-romantically, cold-reading is a technique that can help. But how do you use this skill for good and not evil? And where do you start in the first place? Find out in Episode 109: Cold Reading.

Segment #1

1. Definition –  Cold reading is a series of techniques used by mentalists, psychics, fortune-tellers, mediums and illusionists to determine or express details about another person, often in order to convince them that the reader knows much more about a subject than they actually do.
2. Find an entry point – Look for a point in conversation where a new woman you’re speaking with reveals a small bit of information about herself or her emotions.
3. Cold reading has a ladder. You’ll want to aim for three to four reads that progressively get more intense. You’ll also want to tackle two or three general qualities and one (1) hardcore quality. You have a handful of options about what qualities you explore; I generally choose emotion, personality, and sexuality to highlight in a woman I’m speaking with, myself.
   • You’re a bit clumsy sometimes!
   • You think too much.
   • You’re nervous in large crowds.
   • You second-guess yourself.
4. General statements (that are true of most anyone, but SOUND very targeted) that get the ball rolling. This initiates a response: an emotion that brings you to the next level of the ladder.

Segment #2

5 Types of Cold Read

1. The Rainbow Ruse: Rainbow ruses are statements where you credit a girl with a quality and it’s opposite. For example: ” A lot of people think you’re the life of the party, but there are times where you just want to relax and let other people get the attention.”
2. Fine Flattery: Fine Flattery happens when you give the girl a positive quality compared to most people or others. Ex: You are really smart but it’s the kind of smart that comes through life experience, like street smarts.
3. The Psychic credit: You credit the girl with being a little psychic herself EX: You probably feel like you’re psychic sometimes, like you’ll get a feeling that you should put make-up on before you go out and all of a sudden you run into someone you’re really glad you look your best for.”
4. Jacques Statements: J statements consist of a character statement based on the phase of life the girl is in. It’s named after Jacques in “As you like it” for his 7 stages of man speech. EX: “If you are honest about it, you often feel a sense of frustration that your own ideas and talents are not given enough recognition. There have been many times where you’ve had to struggle to get people to let you show them what you can do. While you are mature enough to recognize that you have plenty to learn, and are willing to put time in to learn a new skill, you often find people too set in their ways and unable to appreciate the contributions you could make if only they let you.”
5. Barnum Statements: Named after PT Barnum these statements are generalized character statements that a majority of people will consider accurate about themselves. EX: ” You have a strong need for people to like and respect you.”
   • ” You tend to feel you have a lot of unused capacity and that people don’t always give you full credit for your abilities.”
   • ” Some of your hopes and goals are pretty unrealistic”
   • ” You are an independent and original thinker, you don’t just accept what you’re told.”

 

Final Thoughts:

#1 For the best tips, read a horoscope!

 

• Elijah’s Thoughts
• Sarah’s Thoughts

 

 

In Closing

If you have a question, comment, or funny story about [INSERT SHOW TOPIC] we have a private SafeSpace on facebook where we talk about all sorts of social, professional, and romantic relationship topics, and after every show you can go there and share you story, get some advice from great people or just hang out. Both Sarah and I are there every day and you can be there too, just go to www.relationspodcast.com/join and click the “Join Now’ button.

Until we meet again, keep striving to make every relationship you have the best it can possibly be, including the one with yourself. We’ll talk soon.

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By the end of this episode:

• 8 Tips for meeting your online date for the first time

 

Describe the problem

…You’ve exchanged messages, flirted a bit over text, and you think there could be a good connection here…it’s time to meet. When going from online to offline, however, it’s easy to see a lot of that chemistry dissipate quickly. Learn how to Ace that first meeting with your online date in Episode 108: Meeting Your Online Date.

Segment #1

1. No Dinner, No Movie – Committing to dinner or even lunch means you’ll have to stick around for at least an hour or two, depending on where you’re dining. That means if your date is not at all what you expected, waiting around for a server to bring your food, going through the motions of apps, drinks and dinner and then waiting for the bill can all be a pretty torturous process. Instead, go for coffee in the late afternoon or evening — something that leaves the opportunity for continuing the date if you want to, but bowing out won’t be a huge statement either.
2. Meet in Public – Remember, even though you’ve had conversation after conversation with this person, you’ve still never met them and it’s really easy for someone to pretend to be someone else when they are on the computer. So – make sure that you are meeting in a public place and even bring someone with you. They don’t have to stay the whole time, but you want to be safe.
3. Have a Drink – Some dating pros highly recommend a stiff one — cocktail, that is. At the risk of promoting debauchery, we’d have to agree. (Starbucks hardly sets the scene for seduction.) A dimly lit lounge, plush sofa, $10 Cosmo — now that’s amore. Even if an Irish pub is more your thing, a nice buzz nips nervousness and brings out one’s inner flirt. Good stuff.
4. Keep it Short – Later on, marathon dates are fine, but close encounters of the first time should be fast and flexible. “It’s like an audition,” notes one experienced dating diva. In a way, she’s right: The first meeting is about establishing a rapport and seeing if there’s chemistry. For the most part, it’s either there or it isn’t — and nothing’s worse than sitting through a four-course dinner with a dud (except also following it up with a movie). And hey, if it clicks, prior plans have a magical way of falling through at the last minute.

Segment #2

1. Dress for the Part – Your wow-’em window is seriously small, and — superficial or not — clownish makeup and grubby sneakers rarely win admirers. Dress like yourself (fakers are always found out eventually), just kick it up a notch.
2. Be Present – Nobody likes to talk to a corpse. Leave all issues and baggage at the door and give your full attention to the person in front of you. You’d want the same done for you, right?
3. Tell someone where you are – After all, you’ve never met this person before, and the internet is an unpredictable place. Always meet in a public location and tell someone where you are. Then you’ll feel more safe, and you’ll have someone to call and vent to after the date if it goes horribly awry. This is really important. A failed online date can be either depressing or really hilarious. It’s all about how you look at it at the end of the day. Having a pal to laugh about it with will always ensure it’s the latter.

 

Final Thoughts:

#1 Bring Cash – In case you need to make a quick and clean getaway, having cash on hand lets you throw down your half of the bill and then jet. Looking for an ATM at bill time or waiting around for a server to bring the debit machine won’t be fun if all you’re thinking about is getting home to watch Boardwalk Empire with your dog and a bowl of popcorn.

• Elijah’s Thoughts
• Sarah’s Thoughts

 

In Closing

If you have a question, comment, or funny story about [INSERT SHOW TOPIC] we have a private SafeSpace on facebook where we talk about all sorts of social, professional, and romantic relationship topics, and after every show you can go there and share you story, get some advice from great people or just hang out. Both Sarah and I are there every day and you can be there too, just go to www.relationspodcast.com/join and click the “Join Now’ button.

Until we meet again, keep striving to make every relationship you have the best it can possibly be, including the one with yourself. We’ll talk soon.

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What are some of the top things you shouldn’t say during a fight? Why should you avoid these toxic phrases if you want to keep your relationship?

 

By the end of this episode:

• Top 8 things to avoid saying during a fight

Describe the problem

…You listened to our whole series of shows about arguments during Fight Week, but are still improving the way you and your partner work through issues. Things still get a little heated, and even though you’re able to resolve things more quickly, feelings are being hurt and you each feel like you’ve gone through a war zone each time a fight ends. Part of the reason could be that you’re doing one (or all) of these eight things during a fight. Find out what they are–and how to avoid them–in episode 107: Don’t Say This During a Fight!

Segment #1

1. MSN Living “You did the same thing last time” – Little disagreements become big ones when we bring them up over and over again, reminds Cinéas. “When you’ve forgiven someone for something, that means that you can’t use it as ammunition in a current disagreement.” If you find you’re continually circling around the same tiny arguments, it could be a sign you should do something different.  
2. “I’m not mad” – So why are you rolling your eyes, slamming doors, and grunting one-word responses to his questions? Because you don’t want to be mad, which isn’t quite the same thing as not being mad. “Shutting down and trying to ignore our emotions is an incredibly common reaction to conflict,” says Lisa Bahar, a marriage and family therapist in Newport Beach, CA. “We want to be accepted and not have people upset with us.” Not only that, but sometimes it’s hard to know why you’re so annoyed—or you might feel silly explaining why his failure to text that he’s running late created this reaction, especially if you haven’t cared in the past.
3. “This is all your fault” – He was the one who said it was fine to get to the airport an hour before takeoff. You wanted to give yourselves two hours, just in case. Now you’ve both missed your flight. You’re furious, but it’s not like he’s thrilled either. So instead of placing the blame on him, figure out first what you can do to solve the problem, then explain how his behavior made you feel.
4. “I want a divorce” – In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to say things you don’t mean, but every expert we spoke with agreed that this statement can’t easily be taken back—no matter how many times you apologize or swear you didn’t mean it.

Segment #2

1. Name Calling – One of the things you should never do during a fight with your guy is to call him names. Besides being unkind, it is a sign your relationship is not on healthy ground. It also can show that you have a problem with your temper and may need to learn some anger management skills. Avoid calling your guy names. Doing so is only going to escalate the fight.
2. “You’re always late” – Stewing because he arrived nearly half an hour past the time you were supposed to meet for dinner, again? Well, blurting this out makes it even more likely this will happen the next time. Instead of accusing him—or making it sound like he’ll never change—let him know why it’s important to you that he be on time, like that you don’t want to spend part of your date night in conversation with the waiter. Then, try to enjoy the evening.  
3. Get Physical – Ladies, we all know that a man should never, ever lay a hand on a woman. But we don’t need to be physically abusive with them, either. This shows a true lack of class. If you are truly that angry, take a time out and get some air. The fight will be there when you are calm and ready to return.

 

Final Thoughts:

#1 Assassinate Their Character/Go to Social Media – Assassinating someone’s character basically means you are attacking them to others. You run them down to others and say things about them that you are probably saying only because you are angry. You probably won’t mean them later on. This is unwise. Not only is it damaging to your guy’s reputation but it will probably just fuel the negative feelings you already have. If you feel you must talk about your guy with someone, choose a trusted friend who you know will keep it quiet.

 

Do not blast your guy on social media when you are in the midst of a fight. Not only do you make your relationship look bad and unstable but you make yourself look immature. If you are tempted, think about how you would feel if your guy wrote the same thing about you. The only things you should share about your relationship online are positive things. It may even be best to not share anything at all; that is a personal decision.

• Elijah’s Thoughts
• Sarah’s Thoughts

 

In Closing

If you have a question, comment, or funny story about [INSERT SHOW TOPIC] we have a private SafeSpace on facebook where we talk about all sorts of social, professional, and romantic relationship topics, and after every show you can go there and share you story, get some advice from great people or just hang out. Both Sarah and I are there every day and you can be there too, just go to www.relationspodcast.com/join and click the “Join Now’ button.

 

Until we meet again, keep striving to make every relationship you have the best it can possibly be, including the one with yourself. We’ll talk soon.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS