What are some of the top things you shouldn’t say during a fight? Why should you avoid these toxic phrases if you want to keep your relationship?
By the end of this episode:
- Top 8 things to avoid saying during a fight
Describe the problem
…You listened to our whole series of shows about arguments during Fight Week, but are still improving the way you and your partner work through issues. Things still get a little heated, and even though you’re able to resolve things more quickly, feelings are being hurt and you each feel like you’ve gone through a war zone each time a fight ends. Part of the reason could be that you’re doing one (or all) of these eight things during a fight. Find out what they are–and how to avoid them–in episode 107: Don’t Say This During a Fight!
Segment #1
- MSN Living “You did the same thing last time” – Little disagreements become big ones when we bring them up over and over again, reminds Cinéas. “When you’ve forgiven someone for something, that means that you can’t use it as ammunition in a current disagreement.” If you find you’re continually circling around the same tiny arguments, it could be a sign you should do something different.
- “I’m not mad” – So why are you rolling your eyes, slamming doors, and grunting one-word responses to his questions? Because you don’t want to be mad, which isn’t quite the same thing as not being mad. “Shutting down and trying to ignore our emotions is an incredibly common reaction to conflict,” says Lisa Bahar, a marriage and family therapist in Newport Beach, CA. “We want to be accepted and not have people upset with us.” Not only that, but sometimes it’s hard to know why you’re so annoyed—or you might feel silly explaining why his failure to text that he’s running late created this reaction, especially if you haven’t cared in the past.
- “This is all your fault” – He was the one who said it was fine to get to the airport an hour before takeoff. You wanted to give yourselves two hours, just in case. Now you’ve both missed your flight. You’re furious, but it’s not like he’s thrilled either. So instead of placing the blame on him, figure out first what you can do to solve the problem, then explain how his behavior made you feel.
- “I want a divorce” – In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to say things you don’t mean, but every expert we spoke with agreed that this statement can’t easily be taken back—no matter how many times you apologize or swear you didn’t mean it.
Segment #2
- Name Calling – One of the things you should never do during a fight with your guy is to call him names. Besides being unkind, it is a sign your relationship is not on healthy ground. It also can show that you have a problem with your temper and may need to learn some anger management skills. Avoid calling your guy names. Doing so is only going to escalate the fight.
- “You’re always late” – Stewing because he arrived nearly half an hour past the time you were supposed to meet for dinner, again? Well, blurting this out makes it even more likely this will happen the next time. Instead of accusing him—or making it sound like he’ll never change—let him know why it’s important to you that he be on time, like that you don’t want to spend part of your date night in conversation with the waiter. Then, try to enjoy the evening.
- Get Physical – Ladies, we all know that a man should never, ever lay a hand on a woman. But we don’t need to be physically abusive with them, either. This shows a true lack of class. If you are truly that angry, take a time out and get some air. The fight will be there when you are calm and ready to return.
Final Thoughts:
#1 Assassinate Their Character/Go to Social Media – Assassinating someone’s character basically means you are attacking them to others. You run them down to others and say things about them that you are probably saying only because you are angry. You probably won’t mean them later on. This is unwise. Not only is it damaging to your guy’s reputation but it will probably just fuel the negative feelings you already have. If you feel you must talk about your guy with someone, choose a trusted friend who you know will keep it quiet.
Do not blast your guy on social media when you are in the midst of a fight. Not only do you make your relationship look bad and unstable but you make yourself look immature. If you are tempted, think about how you would feel if your guy wrote the same thing about you. The only things you should share about your relationship online are positive things. It may even be best to not share anything at all; that is a personal decision.
- Elijah’s Thoughts
- Sarah’s Thoughts
In Closing
If you have a question, comment, or funny story about [INSERT SHOW TOPIC] we have a private SafeSpace on facebook where we talk about all sorts of social, professional, and romantic relationship topics, and after every show you can go there and share you story, get some advice from great people or just hang out. Both Sarah and I are there every day and you can be there too, just go to www.relationspodcast.com/join and click the “Join Now’ button.
Until we meet again, keep striving to make every relationship you have the best it can possibly be, including the one with yourself. We’ll talk soon.
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