Author: Judah E

Were going to talk about the hot topics in couples arguments. What types of things start an argument between couples? We’ll also discuss what we should really be arguing about. You can find all of our resources for this episode at relationspodcast.com/136

By the end of this episode:

• Four Things Men and Women Argue About Most
• issues couples should argue about
• What is means when couples say, ‘we don’t argue’

Describe the problem

…[Problem, or Listener Email]

Segment #1

eHarmony Blog – Nine Things Men and Women Argue About Most

1. Free Time – Who on earth argues about the precious gift that is free time? Couples! She wants him to spend more time just hanging with her, while he really needs his bonding time with the guys. The best advice in this scenario is to find someone equally independent, and willing to compromise. And as far as this photo is concerned – maybe this girlfriend should have let her boyfriend go jogging alone!
2. Household Chores – “I’m a guy so I take out the garbage, and you do the laundry.” While some women are perfectly cool with this, others may love hauling out the trash (well…maybe that’s a stretch). The bottom line is not to assume that one gender will automatically take care of certain responsibilities. Talk it out together and figure out what is going to work best for both parties. The solution may just be a housekeeper!
3. Jealousy – “I saw you looking at her!” “I don’t want you going to lunch with him.” This relationship killer is at the center of many, many squabbles. While many men and women have no reason to be jealous (and could be just controlling and insecure), there are boundary issues which every couple should clearly define together.
4. Stress – Ever had an argument with your partner – only to forget how it even started? We are all multitasking to the max in this busy society, and many of us are stressed to our limits. Sometimes this seeps into our relationships, and we take it out on one another. Being self-aware of when you reach that point can help to cut down on any stress-induced bickering. Just breathe and think twice

Segment #2

Today.com (via Men’s Health) – 6 issues couples should argue about

1. Raising the kids – As long as you don’t argue (or hurl produce) in front of the kids. Happily married couples tend to make the best parents, but happily divorced parents aren’t far behind, according to researchers at the NIH. While there’s a lot of choice in how you decide to punish, reward and set boundaries, the most important part is being each other’s support system and being jointly involved.  
2. Your health – Except for ladder falls, errant nail-gun incidents and other accidents, the average man won’t see a doctor between his last high school physical and his first heart attack (on the plus side, that does save the need to argue about retirement).
3. Working overtime – In a society where working a lot has as much value and esteem as an iAnything, it’s no surprise that many of us have trouble balancing between work and home. But you’ve got to let your partner know when you’re feeling neglected, before you’re both more bitter than a lemon peel.
4. How you listen to each other – Ninety-three percent of couples who fight dirty will be divorced in 10 years, according to marital researchers at the University of Utah. So while arguing can be a healthy means of expressing your feelings, unreasonable yelling and nonconstructive criticism won’t get you anywhere. Except in court.

 

Final Thoughts:

#1 YourTango.com – In Favor Of Fighting: Why It’s OK To Argue

When couples say they never fight, they mean…

• They are too afraid of what might happen because they don’t trust that they have an unshakeable bond. Instead, they think that one little (or big) argument could change everything or push him/her over the edge. If your partner is that close to the edge that one fight could knock him/her over, then it makes perfect sense that you’d be afraid to clash.
• There is so little passion left that nothing feels worth arguing for. When there is a problem in a relationship, it’s usually because one person thinks the other person is putting something or someone above the relationship. When the relationship is no longer sacred — when one or both parties are okay with it not being number one — there’s nothing left worth fighting over.

 

In Closing

If you have a question, comment, or funny story about [INSERT SHOW TOPIC] we have a private SafeSpace on facebook where we talk about all sorts of social, professional, and romantic relationship topics, and after every show you can go there and share you story, get some advice from great people or just hang out. Both Sarah and I are there every day and you can be there too, just go to www.relationspodcast.com/join and click the “Join Now’ button.

Until we meet again, keep striving to make every relationship you have the best it can possibly be, including (and especially) the one with yourself. We’ll talk soon.

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We’re going to talk about some arguments that can have a negative, or positive effect on your relationship. You can find all of our resources for this episode at relationspodcast.com/135

By the end of this episode:

• The five arguments that can destroy your relationship
• Three Relationship Topics People Don’t Discuss Until It’s Too Late

Describe the problem

…[Problem, or Listener Email]

Segment #1

Australian Women’s Weekly – The five arguments that can destroy your relationship

1. The victim and the aggressor: One person plays the hard-done-by victim while the other is combative and aggressive. Typical exchange: “You’re always so mean to me! I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this!” “Well, if you weren’t so pathetic, maybe this wouldn’t happen!”
2. Stonewalling: One person, typically the man, refuses to discuss a subject, choosing to leave rather than have an argument. Typical exchange: “Well what do you think? Say something!” Stonewaller: “There’s nothing to say. I’m going out.”
3. Defensiveness: When you feel under attack, you become defensive, protecting yourself from criticism by refusing to take any responsibility for the issue. Typical exchange: “You never spend time with the children!” “I always look after them when you go out with your friends. If anyone is a bad parent, it’s you!”
4. Extreme criticism:Arguments that descend into hurtful personal comments often mean a relationship is at breaking point because name-calling is fuelled by resentment. Typical exchange: “I hate how selfish you are. You only ever think of yourself” “Well you’re a nagging old cow. I wish you’d just shut up and give me some peace.”
5. Contempt:If you’re arguing in this way, your relationship is in crisis. You have no respect for each other and only speak to express your contempt for your partner. Typical exchange:”There’s no point even talking to you because I know what you’re going to say.” “Good. I don’t want to talk to you either.”

Segment #2

SingleBlackMale.org – Three Relationship Topics People Don’t Discuss Until It’s Too Late

1. Is Being Faithful Hard? To be clear, I’m not only talking about physical encounters. Many people limit their definition of cheating to physical encounters. However, most infidelities don’t leap to the physical. You often work your way up to the physical point, so what about all those missteps you took on your way there? What about all those indiscretions you overlooked, ignored, or somehow excused until the inevitable? You know the type: the extra DM on Twitter, the inappropriate ‘Like’ on a Facebook picture you had no business viewing in the first place, or the “hey, how have you been?” message to an X even though you’re in a new relationship. Then there is real life: the extra flirtatious laugh, touch, or suggestion you give or overlook from a person of interest. You know you respective statuses so instead you entice each other, playfully at first, until that invisible line between flirtatiously innocent suggestions and outright deceitful actions blurs beyond recognition. What then?
2. Is arguing a natural part of every relationship? Can you genuinely remove arguing from a relationship or do you believe arguing is a natural part of a healthy relationship? What happens if you find arguing detrimental but your partner finds it natural? What’s the difference between an argument and a debate?
3. Is your significant other entitled to your social media passwords in a committed relationship? A Michigan man is now being sued by his ex-wife after he read her e-mails and learned of her extramarital affair with her (allegedly abusive) ex-husband. Got that? The prosecution argues that he “hacked” into her e-mail, basing the justification of the charges on a criminal statute that is typically used to prosecute governmental hackers. He claims that he used the computer all the time and she kept her passwords in a little book next to the computer. Simple click-clack of the keys and he was in. Harmless, right? I’m not sure.

 

 

Final Thoughts:

• Elijah’s Thoughts
• Sarah’s Thoughts

 

In Closing

If you have a question, comment, or funny story about [INSERT SHOW TOPIC] we have a private SafeSpace on facebook where we talk about all sorts of social, professional, and romantic relationship topics, and after every show you can go there and share you story, get some advice from great people or just hang out. Both Sarah and I are there every day and you can be there too, just go to www.relationspodcast.com/join and click the “Join Now’ button.

Until we meet again, keep striving to make every relationship you have the best it can possibly be, including (and especially) the one with yourself. We’ll talk soon.

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We’re going to talk about a ton of ways to overcome fear in your life, and how to apply that to your relationships. Today’s show was inspired by an article on WakeUpCloud.com (33 Powerful Ways of Overcoming Fear … Right Now). You can find linksot this artcle on the show notes page at relationspodcast.com/134.

 

By the end of this episode:

• 10 Ways to overcome any fear in your life

Describe the problem

…You’ve been able to identify your fears, but now what? Do you just have to always be afraid that you’ll trip in front of your boss or that you have something in your teeth? In this episode, we’ll give you ten ways to overcome any fear in your life…even the big ones.

Segment #1

2. Identify. Get specific about what exactly you’re afraid of. Look at the pictures you have in your head about the situation. What is happening in them? What are you really scared of? Become an observer of your inner space.

 

3. Curiosity. While curiosity may have killed the cat, it certainly won’t do you any harm when investigating your fears. Get curious about what thoughts generate your fear, where do you feel the fear, and how do you react to it? Again, be an observer of what is going on.

 

9. Gratitude. Whenever you feel fear, switch it over to what you are grateful for instead. If you’re afraid of public speaking, be grateful for the opportunity to communicate with so many people, and that they are there to genuinely listen to what you have to say.

 

14. Life Coach. Do you have a fear of success, or a fear of failure? A good life coach can help you examine what you truly want from life, and where your fears come from. I’ve spoken to a few in my life and while it can be scary, it’s very helpful in getting clear about what you want and what’s stopping you.

 

22. Your Story. We all tell ourselves a story about our fear. If I’m afraid that no one will like my writing, I tell myself a story (in my head) about how I’ll fail horribly, people will laugh at me, or even worse, no one will read what I have to say. What’s your story?

Segment #2

 

18. Diet. Did you know that the food you eat can have a dramatic impact on how you feel? All the sugars, additives, sweeteners, and other chemicals in our foods have a surprisingly powerful effect in getting our body out of balance. Stick to a clean diet that suits you.

 

20. Perspective. Overcoming fear is all about putting your negative thoughts in perspective. We tend to focus too much on the negative, so by looking at all the options, you often realize that you’re making a big deal of nothing. There are so many things that can happen that it’s impossible for you to predict. We aren’t psychics.

 

26. Model. I’m not talking about modeling clothes here. I’m talking about finding someone who had the fear you have, but managed to get rid of it. Get in touch with them, ask them how they did it, and learn to use their strategies in your own life.



Final Thoughts:

#1 Understand Failure. When you realize that failure is not the end of the world, you become free. Failure is just a stepping stone to success. And most of our fears are fear of failure, shame, or somehow not living up to the standards society has put up for us.

 

• Elijah’s Thoughts
• Sarah’s Thoughts

 

In Closing

If you have a question, comment, or funny story about [INSERT SHOW TOPIC] we have a private SafeSpace on facebook where we talk about all sorts of social, professional, and romantic relationship topics, and after every show you can go there and share you story, get some advice from great people or just hang out. Both Sarah and I are there every day and you can be there too, just go to www.relationspodcast.com/join and click the “Join Now’ button.

Until we meet again, keep striving to make every relationship you have the best it can possibly be, including (and especially) the one with yourself. We’ll talk soon.

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We’ll discuss how we feed our fears, and the types of fears there are in humans. IN tomorrow’s episode we’ll discuss how to overcome fear in all your relationships. Today’s show comes from research in Psycology Today (The (Only) Five Basic Fears We All Live By), and Best Health Mag.ca (5 reasons why we feel fear). You can find these articles in the show notes on relationspodcast.com/133.

 

By the end of this episode:

• 5 Patterns We Use to Feed Our Fears
• 5 Types of Fear

Describe the problem

…Fear can be an insidious thing, seeping into our everyday lives and keeping us from the things that we want or enjoy. In this episode, we’ll talk about the patterns that keep fear a constant, and the five types of fear that hold us back.

 Segment #1

A simple and useful definition of fear is: An anxious feeling, caused by our anticipation of some imagined event or experience.

“There are five typical patterns we use to feed our fears,” says Paul Tizzard, co-founder of Flying Without Fear. “Part of the solution is to recognize the patterns for what they are and then break them.”

1. Worst-case scenario “Conspiracy theorists see the cabin crew walking down the aisle frowning, and automatically assume something bad is going to happen,” says Tizzard. “It’s not. They are just doing their job. You are looking for things to support your fear when they are not there.”

2. “Awfulizing” or Catastrophizing “You feel something funny in your ear because of the change in pressure, and you automatically think it’s a bad thing,” says Tizzard. “Recognize it for what it is, and challenge the thought.”

3. Intellectual resistance “You’ve decided there is nothing you can do to get over the fear, that you are just going to be stuck with it,” says Tizzard. His advice: “Don’t give in. You are in control.”

4. Automatic thoughts “These take over when you let the chatterbox in your head run riot,” says Tizzard. “Change the voice. Imagine it’s Mickey Mouse, or tell it to shut up.”

5. Visualizing disaster Some people imagine their demise in glorious Technicolor. “If you ask them what they are seeing, they may say, ‘Oh, I’m seeing myself at the bottom of a mountain,’ ” says Tizzard. “Run the scary movie in black and white so you drain the colour; turn the sound down; mess around with the image or movie in your head until it has less power over you.”

 Segment #2

Extinction – fear of annihilation, of ceasing to exist. This is a more fundamental way to express it than just calling it the “fear of death”. The idea of no longer being arouses a primary existential anxiety in all normal humans. Consider that panicky feeling you get when you look over the edge of a high building.

Mutilation – fear of losing any part of our precious bodily structure; the thought of having our body’s boundaries invaded, or of losing the integrity of any organ, body part, or natural function. For example, anxiety about animals, such as bugs, spiders, snakes, and other creepy things arises from fear of mutilation.

Loss of Autonomy – fear of being immobilized, paralyzed, restricted, enveloped, overwhelmed, entrapped, imprisoned, smothered, or controlled by circumstances. In a physical form, it’s sometimes known as claustrophobia, but it also extends to social interactions and relationships.

Separation – fear of abandonment, rejection, and loss of connectedness – of becoming a non-person – not wanted, respected, or valued by anyone else. The “silent treatment,” when imposed by a group, can have a devastating psychological effect on the targeted person.

Ego-death – fear of humiliation, shame, or any other mechanism of profound self-disapproval that threatens the loss of integrity of the Self; fear of the shattering or disintegration of one’s constructed sense of lovability, capability, and worthiness.

Final Thoughts:

• Elijah’s Thoughts
• Sarah’s Thoughts

In Closing

If you have a question, comment, or funny story about [INSERT SHOW TOPIC] we have a private SafeSpace on facebook where we talk about all sorts of social, professional, and romantic relationship topics, and after every show you can go there and share you story, get some advice from great people or just hang out. Both Sarah and I are there every day and you can be there too, just go to www.relationspodcast.com/join and click the “Join Now’ button.

Until we meet again, keep striving to make every relationship you have the best it can possibly be, including (and especially) the one with yourself. We’ll talk soon.

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We’re talking about 8 types of workplace conflict

By the end of this episode:

• you’ll learn 8 types of workplace conflict
• how to avoid or address these conflicts if you have them

Describe the problem

…Work is a necessary thing, and when you work with people, conflict is often an unavoidable thing. While not all conflict is bad, ongoing conflict can cause workplace discomfort, tension and stress. Learn in this episode how to identify different types of conflict, and begin to address each one if you experience it at your workplace.

Segment #1

Psychologists Art Bell and Brett Hart determined these 8 causes and how to deal in 2002.

1. Conflicting resources–there just aren’t enough paper clips to go around. Or Hank is always hogging the copier. Bell and Hart encourage facilitating negotiation between colleagues (I’ll take the noon spot if you’ll take 1pm) or management taking good care to make sure that everyone truly has what he/she needs to do the job well. If things get really bad, individuals may need to sit down and have an open conversation about where the conflict actually is, and how it can be resolved (if it can).
2. Conflicting styles–”Everyone works differently, according to his or her individual needs and personality. For instance, some people love the thrill of getting things done at the last minute, while others need the structure of strict deadlines to perform. However, when working styles clash, conflict can often occur.” To prevent and manage this type of conflict in your team, consider people’s working styles and natural group roles when building a team.
3. Conflicting perceptions–”All of us see the world through our own lens, and differences in perceptions of events can cause conflict, particularly where one person knows something that the other person doesn’t know, but doesn’t realize this.” Facilitating open communication is key here, as well as trying to eliminate gossip. Asking clarifying questions to better understand someone is also important.
4. Conflicting pressures–”We often have to depend on our colleagues to get our work done. However, what happens when you need a report from your colleague by noon, and he’s already preparing a different report for someone else by that same deadline? Conflicting pressures are similar to conflicting goals; the only difference is that conflicting pressures usually involve urgent tasks, while conflicting goals typically involve projects with longer timelines.” If you’re the boss, try to rearrange deadlines…or if you’re feeling under the gun, do what you can to ask for extensions or a rearrangement of your schedule or better allocation of tasks.

Segment #2

1. Conflicting goals–”Sometimes we have conflicting goals in our work. For instance, one of our managers might tell us that speed is most important goal with customers. Another manager might say that in-depth, high-quality service is the top priority.” Again, clear communication or clarification is key here. If you don’t understand, ask…and if needed, negotiate your way to better or more clear goals that work for everyone.  
2. Conflicting roles–”Sometimes we have to perform a task that’s outside our normal role or responsibilities. If this causes us to step into someone else’s “territory,” then conflict and power struggles can occur. The same can happen in reverse – sometimes we may feel that a particular task should be completed by someone else.” Having a clear task outline is very important…but so is the mentality that sometimes a team atmosphere means picking up tasks that don’t “belong” to you. Set clear expectations on both end of the spectrum to avoid confusion.
3. Different personal values–”Imagine that your boss has just asked you to perform a task that conflicts with your ethical standards. Do you do as your boss asks, or do you refuse? If you refuse, will you lose your boss’s trust, or even your job?” Ethical leadership is important here, but so is preserving your integrity. Know yourself well…and carefully “pick which hill you’ll die on.”

 

Final Thoughts:

#1 Unpredictable policies-”When rules and policies change at work and you don’t communicate that change clearly to your team, confusion and conflict can occur. In addition, if you fail to apply workplace policies consistently with members of your team, the disparity in treatment can also become a source of dissension.” Clearly communicate any and all changes, and what’s expected. If you don’t understand a change, ask.

• Elijah’s Thoughts
• Sarah’s Thoughts

 

In Closing

If you have a question, comment, or funny story about [INSERT SHOW TOPIC] we have a private SafeSpace on facebook where we talk about all sorts of social, professional, and romantic relationship topics, and after every show you can go there and share you story, get some advice from great people or just hang out. Both Sarah and I are there every day and you can be there too, just go to www.relationspodcast.com/join and click the “Join Now’ button.

Until we meet again, keep striving to make every relationship you have the best it can possibly be, including (and especially) the one with yourself. We’ll talk soon.

 

source: http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/eight-causes-conflict.htm

http://www.forbes.com/sites/mikemyatt/2012/02/22/5-keys-to-dealing-with-workplace-conflict/

http://www.makeadentleadership.com/types-of-conflict-in-the-workplace.html

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We’re talking about some of the best–and worst–books on dating and relationships on the market today

By the end of this episode:

• you’ll hear about our favorite–and not so favorite–books

Describe the problem

…You’re smart, and you want to be smarter. So you head to the self-help or human sexuality section of your local Barnes and Noble (or Amazon) and…well, where do you start? In today’s episode, we’ll give you the books that are must reads, the books that are the must-avoids, and the books that have valuable information tucked among some truly ridiculous drivel.

Segment #1

1. BEST: The Five Love Languages, by Dr. Gary Chapman: this book is about the importance of being able to express love to your partner in a way that your partner can understand. Dr. Chapman calls this type of communicating using the five love languages, which are Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Quality Time.
2. WORST: The Rules, by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider: Synopsis: The Rules is a way of dating that really works. Unlike other books and philosophies that preach “do whatever you want” and “anything goes,” The Rules offers a concrete set of do’s and don’ts so you can actually land the guy of your dreams.
   • The authors say: “We began to notice that the women who played hard to get, either deliberately or by accident, were the ones who got the guys, while the women who asked guys out or were too available were the ones who got dumped. We put two and two together, and wrote and wrote, and that’s how The Rules were born!”
3. BEST: Because it Feels Good, by Debby Herbenick: “Herbenick is the kind of confidante every woman longs for—a sex advisor who is as approachable as a girlfriend and as knowledgeable as a sex education professor. At the core of her advice is the belief that sex should be fun, satisfying, and intimate—but first and foremost, it should simply feel good. From enlightening lessons on female anatomy to the complicated issue of libido to an overview of sex toys and positions, Because It Feels Good informs women about every aspect of sexual function, providing the knowledge they need to have the sex lives they deserve. This is a pleasure manifesto—and your handbook to a great sex life.”
4. WORST: Anything ghost written for a “celebrity”

Segment #2

1. BEST/WORST: Rules of the Game, by Neil Strauss: From a review–”This book is about much more than just meeting and having sex with beautiful women. (Although, that is the primary motivation for guys to learn this stuff.) Neil is teaching you to become a confident, socially adept person, not just a pickup machine.”
2. BEST/WORST: Get the Guy: Learn Secrets of the Male Mind, by Matthew Hussey–In his book, Get the Guy, Matthew Hussey—relationship expert, matchmaker, and star of the reality show Ready for Love—reveals the secrets of the male mind and the fundamentals of dating and mating for a proven, revolutionary approach to help women to find lasting love. From landing a first date to establishing emotional intimacy, playful flirtation to red-hot bedroom tips, Matthew’s insightfulness, irreverence, and warmth makes Get the Guy a one-of-a-kind relationship guide and the handbook for every woman who wants to get the guy she’s been waiting for.
3. BEST: Outdated: Why Dating is Ruining Your Love Life, by Samhita Mukhopadhyay: Synopsis–Romance and love are in a state of crisis: Statistically speaking, young women today are living romantic lives of all kinds—but they’re still feeling bogged down by social, cultural, economic, and familial pressures to love in a certain way. Young women in the modern world have greater flexibility than ever when it comes to who we choose to love and how we choose to love them; but while social circumstances may have changed since our parents’ generation, certain life expectations remain. In Outdated, the author addresses the difficulty of negotiating loving relationships within the borderlands of race, culture, class, and sexuality—and of holding true to our convictions and maintaining our independence while we do it.

 

Final Thoughts:

#1 BEST: Intimacy and Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship, by David Schnarch: “During his 30 years in practice as a marriage and family therapist, Dr. Schnarch has discovered that sexual desire problems are normal and even healthy, in committed relationships. Dr. Schnarch explains why couples in long term relationships have sexual desire problems, regardless of how much they love each other or how well they communicate. Through case studies of couples he worked with, Dr. Schnarch shows why normal marital conflict can be the cause of desire problems and creates a roadmap for how couples can transform marital conflict into a stronger relationship and a font of new and powerful desire for each other.”

• Elijah’s Thoughts
• Sarah’s Thoughts

 

In Closing

If you have a question, comment, or funny story about [INSERT SHOW TOPIC] we have a private SafeSpace on facebook where we talk about all sorts of social, professional, and romantic relationship topics, and after every show you can go there and share you story, get some advice from great people or just hang out. Both Sarah and I are there every day and you can be there too, just go to www.relationspodcast.com/join and click the “Join Now’ button.

Until we meet again, keep striving to make every relationship you have the best it can possibly be, including (and especially) the one with yourself. We’ll talk soon.

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We’re discussing how to move on after a toxic relationship ends

By the end of this episode:

• you’ll learn how to “re-set” to healthy
• how to purge your life of a toxic person
• the #1 tip for moving on when a toxic relationship ends

Describe the problem

…You did the right thing and you moved on from a toxic person in your life…and things should feel great now, right? Wrong. Just like with any relationship that ends, there is going to be hurt and pain, even if you are feeling relieved that things are over. Toxic people are sometimes especially difficult to move on from. Find out how to move on when these relationships end in episode 130: HOw to move on when a toxic relationship ends.

Segment #1

1. Sort through whether or not you’re missing “noise” instead of the person–toxic relationships lead us to believe all relationships are a series of 1’s and 10’s…high highs and low lows. We get a little addicted to the drama…so figure out if you’re actually missing a person, or all the “noise” that person brought to the table
2. Remove Reminders–maybe you combined households, or maybe your Facebook profile picture still includes the two of you. Well, it’s time to clean house. Make no apologies, don’t worry about what people think, just get rid of it. And no, he doesn’t need to come to your house to pick it up.
3. Fill your time–re-learn how to fill your time with positive experiences. Remember, you’re likely used to the very low, or the crazy manic. You may need to re-calibrate and learn how to function at a 5.
4. Be pro-social–many times, toxic relationships cut us off from support groups or even family. Proactively reach out to friends and family who can help you re-calibrate and re-set. Don’t wait to be invited, arrange your own get-togethers if needed.

Segment #2

1. Let go of the negative beliefs that held you back in the first place–You didn’t deserve it, and you do matter…but toxic relationships can make you feel very much like those things are not true. You do deserve better, and it wasn’t your fault. When people treat you badly, that is a reflection of who they are, not who you are.
2. Get physical–we can’t say this enough…and science backs us up. Get moving. Take a walk with the dogs, hit the gym, take a yoga class. You’ll release some endorphins, get in better shape, and the clarity of mind a hard workout brings is often just the thing needed to break free of old thought patterns and habits.
3. Recognize red flags early–when you feel like you might be ready to date again (if your toxic relationship was romantic), look out for the red flags you missed last time around. Be careful of repeating old behaviors and thought patterns. This might require much more honesty than you’re used to doling out for yourself or your date…but it also might save you some heartache.

 

Final Thoughts:

#1 Hold strong to what you know to be true–it often seems to be the case that just when you think you’re ready to move on, the toxic person shows up again. Refuse to get sucked back in and remind yourself about why things weren’t working before. Call a trusted friend if you need to…but be true to yourself and what you know to be healthy and good.

 

• Elijah’s Thoughts
• Sarah’s Thoughts
  • “slot machine syndrome”

 

In Closing

If you have a question, comment, or funny story about [INSERT SHOW TOPIC] we have a private SafeSpace on facebook where we talk about all sorts of social, professional, and romantic relationship topics, and after every show you can go there and share you story, get some advice from great people or just hang out. Both Sarah and I are there every day and you can be there too, just go to www.relationspodcast.com/join and click the “Join Now’ button.

Until we meet again, keep striving to make every relationship you have the best it can possibly be, including (and especially) the one with yourself. We’ll talk soon.

 

http://www.eharmony.com/blog/2013/07/22/seven-ways-to-stop-missing-your-toxic-ex/#.UxTeKPSwKE4

http://birdsontheblog.co.uk/the-three-beliefs-that-are-stopping-you-from-moving-forward-after-your-toxic-relationship/

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-time-cure/201308/toxic-relationships

http://counsellingresource.com/features/2011/09/08/moving-on-after-toxic-relationship/

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Show Intro

I am Elijah R Young, I’m here with Sarah J. Storer and this is Relations: The Podcast, the on-demand radio show giving you better relationships, and more importantly, helping you become a better person to be in a relationship with…In today’s show:

 

Show Description

We’re talking about how to navigate hookup culture

 

By the end of this episode:

• what hookup culture is
• when casual sex can be good for you
• the number one tip for participating in casual sex

 

Describe the problem

…You can’t read two paragraphs into the New York Times without stepping on an article about hookup culture. Most of the articles point to college campuses, but casual sex isn’t a new thing, and psychologists and scientists are conducting more and more studies to find out what motivates humans to have casual sex. So whether you’ve had a hookup, or are thinking about a hookup, here are a few things to examine before dipping your toe into the waters of hookup culture.

 



Segment #1

 

Definition: a “hookup culture” is one that accepts and encourages casual sex. So we could say that it applies to the dating culture as a whole, or it could be relegated to micro-cultures, like college campuses, certain cities, or even age groups

1. Is hook up culture “right” or “wrong?”–there have been a bunch of studies on the subject so far (usually by taking people who have had at least one hookup, then comparing their well-being to those who haven’t), and the results are all over the place. So science doesn’t know yet.  
2. Is it a reflection of shifting gender norms?–in numerous pieces (the New York Time, the Atlantic), writers point to the fact that women, more than ever, are owning their sexuality and are far less afraid of the “consequences” of non-commital, casual sex
3. Is it a reflection of the lack of desire for intimacy?–One study in psychology today said that hookup culture or casual sex actually erodes our “trust pathways”
4. Is it due to the “death of courtship?”–for as many articles there are about hookup culture, there are just as many about the “death of courtship” or the demise of traditional dating.

 

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Segment #2

 

How to navigate…

1. If you want to participate in hookup culture, know and understand your motivations. It could affect how good casual sex can be for you. For example, wanting to participate in casual sex because it’s fun vs. wanting to participate in casual sex because you’re looking to feel better about yourself or hoping it will lead to a long term relationship will likely net far different feelings after the deed is done.
2. Studies show that the same feelings of higher self-esteem and satisfaction that result from exercising or helping others can also apply to casual sex…IF all three are approached for the “right reasons,” (e.g. wanting to have fun, wanting to learn something new, or believing it’s an important experience)
3. On the other hand, hooking up for the “wrong reasons” can lead to lower self-esteem, higher depression and anxiety

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Final Thoughts:

#1 Know yourself and your motivations well…and have fun and be safe!

 

• Elijah’s Thoughts
• Sarah’s Thoughts

 

Show recap

Listener Mail

 

Show Close

If you have a question, comment, or funny story about [INSERT SHOW TOPIC] we have a private SafeSpace on facebook where we talk about all sorts of social, professional, and romantic relationship topics, and after every show you can go there and share you story, get some advice from great people or just hang out. Both Sarah and I are there every day and you can be there too, just go to www.relationspodcast.com/join and click the “Join Now’ button.

 

Until we meet again, keep striving to make every relationship you have the best it can possibly be, including (and especially) the one with yourself. We’ll talk soon.

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/collections/201402/the-economics-sex/is-casual-sex-bad-your-mental-health

http://www.psychologytoday.com/collections/201402/love-and-the-modern-day-hook?tr=HomeColSmallTitle

http://www.thedailybeast.com/witw/articles/2013/11/15/does-hookup-culture-hurt-women.html

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/13/fashion/the-end-of-courtship.html?pagewanted=all

http://learning.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/02/12/is-hookup-culture-leaving-your-generation-unhappy-and-unprepared-for-love/

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/14/fashion/sex-on-campus-she-can-play-that-game-too.html?pagewanted=all

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/11/11/women-find-orgasms-elusive-in-hookups/

 

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We’re talking about how your relationship with your siblings could be affecting your adult relationships today

By the end of this episode:

• you’ll learn how all those fights you had with your brother aren’t necessarily a bad thing
• how one piece of the puzzle between siblings is a huge key to happy adult relationships
• the #1 tip if you’ve had less than positive relationships with your siblings

Describe the problem

…He put you in endless headlocks after school, or she helped you cut your bangs so short you had to wear headbands for months. Our siblings played a huge part in our growth and development, sometimes positively and sometimes negatively, and we often carry those lessons into our adult relationships. So what are those lessons, and what do we do if we STILL don’t get along with our siblings? Find out in Episode 128: How our Siblings Affect our Adult Relationships.

Segment #1

1. Bickering isn’t necessarily a bad thing: one long-term study reported many ways in which [sibling] bickering, both as children and as adults, continued to benefit them: it taught some of them how to quell disagreements, and others how to stand up for themselves.
   • Studies of children suggest that the benefits of sibling rivalry are greatest when the conflict is not overwhelming, when the family is able to talk about emotions, and when there is warmth as well as tension in the relationship.
2. Conflicts are collaborative: That means that any conflict is the outcome of a mutual agreement between opposing parties to jointly contest some point of disagreement between them.
   • This is not a bad thing; it is a necessary thing. Conflict is, after the all, the process through which people confront and resolve inevitable human differences between them. So conflict should not come as a surprise; it should be expected.
3. How you reacted to the outcome of collaborative or shared situations with siblings can affect your adult relationships: maybe a brother or sister always seemed to get their way when it came to sharing a room or doing chores. How that made you feel then (or how you reacted when you “won”) can play out in both your platonic and romantic relationships.

Segment #2

1. Siblings often pick fights as children to express emotions they can’t (or won’t) talk about: you got teased at school, and instead of talking about it when you got home, you gave your brother endless noogies. Talking about emotions may not have been fostered in your home growing up, but try to recognize as an adult when you’re projecting negative behavior onto someone else, instead of just talking about what’s really bothering you.
2. Competition: were you extremely competitive with a sibling growing up? That’s relatively normal, and experts say “Normal sibling rivalry serves growth needs for testing power, establishing differences, ventilating emotion, and relieving boredom (when they can find nothing better to do.) Conflict doesn’t mean they can’t get along; it is a normal part of how they get along.” However, in family situations where competition was rarely checked, monitored or facilitated healthily between siblings, negative feelings arose from the competition.
3. Conflict resolution (a very important piece of the puzzle): siblings who repaired bonds either earlier or later in life are shown to have a better well being in life and with each other.

 

Final Thoughts:

#1 Whether you had/have great relationships with siblings or not, or even if you’re an only child, negative things you witness in your childhood relationships with family are things that can be worked through and overcome with a little awareness (or help, if needed).

• Elijah’s Thoughts
• Sarah’s Thoughts

 

In Closing

If you have a question, comment, or funny story about [INSERT SHOW TOPIC] we have a private SafeSpace on facebook where we talk about all sorts of social, professional, and romantic relationship topics, and after every show you can go there and share you story, get some advice from great people or just hang out. Both Sarah and I are there every day and you can be there too, just go to www.relationspodcast.com/join and click the “Join Now’ button.

Until we meet again, keep striving to make every relationship you have the best it can possibly be, including (and especially) the one with yourself. We’ll talk soon.

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