0031 – How the Five ‘Love Languages’ Can Save Your Relationship

“In this episode…”

…we’re talking about the 5 Love Languages

Teaser Bullets

by the end of this episode you’ll learn:

  • …why the 5 love languages came to be
  • what they are
  • And how to find yours or your partner’s

Describe the problem

…”Communication is lubrication…” but what if you and your partner suddenly seem to be speaking a foreign language to each other? Or what if there is that person in your life you’d like to reach on a different level? Perhaps the way you perceive and receive love is a language all its own…but it is possible to learn other languages, no matter how badly you did in high school German.



From Gary Chapman, MD (founder/inventor/whatnot)


When someone says, “I feel like my spouse doesn’t love me,”—something I’ve heard countless times during my years as a marriage counselor—what are they really complaining about?”


Laura J Martin, MD | WebMD

The 5 Love Languages, 7 Days, 1 Couple

There comes a point in just about every marriage, it seems, when couples stop speaking the same language.

She says, “Can you empty the garbage already!?” He hears, “Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag!”

He says, “We haven’t had sex in a month!” She thinks, “When was the last time you bought me something that wasn’t an appliance?”

After 30 years as a marriage and family counselor, Gary Chapman, PhD had heard a lot of couples’ complaints — so many complaints, in fact, that he began to see a pattern. “I realized I was hearing the same stories over and over again,” he says.

When Chapman sat down and read through more than a decade worth of notes, he realized that what couples really wanted from each other fell into five distinct categories:

  1. Words of affirmation: compliments or words of encouragement
  2. Quality time: their partner’s undivided attention
  3. Receiving gifts: symbols of love, like flowers or chocolates
  4. Acts of service: setting the table, walking the dog, or doing other small jobs
  5. Physical touch: having sex, holding hands, kissing”




Words of affirmation

“You look nice in that outfit.” “I really appreciate what you did.” “One of the things I like about you is…” All of those phrases express affirmation. Words of affirmation may focus on the way a person looks, some action he or she has taken, or something about that individual’s personality or character. You are simply looking for ways to positively acknowledge him or her. The words may be spoken, written, or even sung. (Not to mention affirmations can also boost creativity and reduce stress.)

Acts of service

In a partnership, this might look like a massage, cooking a scrumptious meal, washing dishes, vacuuming, or taking out the trash. In a friendship, this might be helping with a computer problem or offering a lift to the airport. If this is your primary love language, then the old saying “Actions speak louder than words” will be true. Words may seem shallow, but when someone helps you, your “love tank” fills.

Receiving gifts

There is no culture in which gift giving is not seen as an expression of love. The gift communicates, “He/she was thinking about me. Look what they gave me.” It implies thought, effort, and expense. Yet the gift need not be expensive. We’ve always said, “It’s the thought that counts.” But remember, it’s not the thought floating around in your head that counts (if it’s not expressed, you’re the only one aware of it) but, rather, the gift that came out of the thought. In this love language, getting a thoughtful present says that the giver genuinely loves and appreciates the recipient.

Last two after the break!


Segment #2

Quality time

The person who equates love with time spent together will want to sit on the couch and have extended conversations and not feel rushed or be looking at a phone but, instead, right into the other person’s eyes. Quality time does not always involve conversation. It can be just taking a walk, planting a garden, or exercising together. The important thing is that the activity focuses on being with each other. What communicates love is the fact that you give the gift of time and your undivided attention.

Physical touch

We have long known the emotional power of physical touch. That’s why we pick up babies and cuddle them. Long before the child knows the meaning of the word love, the baby feels loved by virtue of being touched. In a partnership, this is expressed in lovemaking, holding hands, embracing, kissing, or placing an arm around the shoulder of the one you love. In a friendship, this might be a high five, a pat on the back, a firm handshake, or a hand on a friend’s shoulder.

What are yours? Your partner’s? How do you find out?

  1. How do I most often express love and appreciation to others? Look at all the love languages. You can give and receive love in all five languages, but the one that resonates with you is your primary love language. It’s the way you say love—and wish to receive it.
  2. What do I complain about most often? Your complaint helps reveal your love language.
  3. What do I request most often? If you find yourself frequently asking, “Can you help me?” your language is likely “acts of service.” If “How do I look in this outfit?” is something you say a lot, then you are a “words of affirmation” speaker.


5 Love Languages.com


And finally:


The Chalkboard Mag


Decoding the 5 Languages

“It’s not to say that I can survive on one love language alone, but a sprinkling of the other four love languages with a heavy concentration of words of affirmation is enough to sustain me. It’s not a cure-all, but after learning other love languages exist, I am not only more in tune with my significant others needs, but can better communicate what mine are too.”


iTunes Review

If this show was good to you, let me know by leaving a review on iTunes. Simply go to relationspodcast.com/review and leave us a good review! Good reviews put this show in front of more people and allow us to create more awesome relationships through either following or ignoring the advice given on this show. If we’re making your relationships a better place, take 30 seconds and leave us a review!

Segment #3

  • Listener Tips

In Closing

In closing, on behalf of myself, Elijah R. Young, and everyone involved in bringing this show to your ears, we hope we’ve made your relationship better today than it was yesterday. Now go forth and relate to one another…we’ll talk soon.

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