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0006 – Pick Up Artist

“In this episode…”

…we are talking all about Pickup Artistry, what it is and whether or not it is good or bad for dating and relationships.

Teaser Bullets

by the end of this episode you’ll learn:

  • what Pickup Aristry is
  • What top experts have to say about Pickup Artistry
  • How to spot a Pickup Artist
  • Whether or not it’s ethical to improve your “game”

Describe the problem

In the world of dating and relationship help, there are thousands of books and websites for women, but very few aimed at men. It’s no wonder, then, that Pickup Artistry has easily filled a niche…but is it good or bad for the men who use the tactics? How is it affecting their dating their dating lives? And is it ethical for men or women alike to use tactics like Pickup Artistry to gain a desired end?

What is Pickup Artistry? What are the pros and cons?

 

David Futrelle | Manboobz.com | @davidfutrelle

  • On Pick Up Artists
    • Red Pill ideology isn’t just hateful and misogynistic; it’s also a remarkably bleak way to look at the world, even for the men who supposedly benefit the most from taking “the red pill” — that is, the allegedly smooth players who boast about bedding so many women on “game” blogs.  Take, for example, what you might call the “spoiled milk” theory of marriage that’s sometimes trotted out on these blogs. Since women reach their prime young, the theory goes, then rapidly lose their looks and their value after “hitting the wall” at the age or 25 or 30, it only makes sense to marry a woman when she’s young — so you get to have sex with her before she gets all old and hideous. If you marry her later, this means that someone else has had her at her best — and you haven’t!

Dr. Nerdlove | @drnerdlove

  • The trouble with Pickup Artists
    • The state of dating advice for men is, frankly, fairly abysmal. As I’ve said many times before,men are socialized to believe that to be masculine is to fuck; the more notches on your metaphorical bedpost, the more of a man you are. At the same time however, our society teaches us that for men, being good with women is a binary state; either you’re skilled at talking to them, interacting with them and seducing them or you aren’t. If you are, then great! The world’s your oyster. If you’re not… well, sucks to be you.
    • Don’t get me wrong: I think pick-up can be invaluable, even ethical… as long as you’re going in with the right mindset and attitude. Learning how to better interact with women – whether you’re looking for love or just sex – is an admirable goal. But when so much of it is suffused with antagonistic, misogynistic views of women, when it’s treated as a contest of wills rather than a collaboration between two partners, it can be unbelievably toxic and only causing damage in the long term.

Becky Heineke | http://thebchannel.blogspot.com/

A Word to Pickup Artists

    • I started to read The Game last year, but then quickly put it down because it was pretty much the dumbest thing I’d ever read.  Not “dumb” in the sense that the things in there wouldn’t work (I’m sure they would on a lot of women), but “dumb” in the sense that there was something painfully pathetic about men lumping all human females together, treating us like machines that can be tricked into sleeping with absolutely anyone as long as that person knows which buttons to push….I’ve had a few of the techniques that these artists espouse used on me before and the reason they don’t work – not on me and not on a fairly wide range of friends of mine – is because they’re just that:  techniques.  It’s not real.  It’s (as the book so clearly states) a game. And the only way you get anywhere in a game is if both people want to play.

 

Christie Hartman, PhD | Christiehartman.com | @DenverDateDr

  • The PUA community is much larger and more diverse than many people realize
  • The PUA community has members that do a lot of good, in addition to those who don’t
  • The community is about as heterogeneous as the dating advice community in general
  • The media (and the internet in general) prefers the shocking over the healthy or reasonable, so the bad ones get the press

JOHANNAH KING-SLUTZKY | @jjjjjjjjohannah

  • Is Pickup Artistry Good for Women After All?
    • Other times, exposing the inner-workings of conventional courtship comes off as straightforwardly feminist… Adam Lyons, for example, says, “I get most of my men to create female profiles online to see how men are objectifying women and that’s not really what women want…” [good segue for Elijah here…]
    • And Arden Leigh, who is bisexual and nonmanogamous, is in favor of expanding pickup artistry to include typically marginalized communities: “I’ve had a lot of requests for gay, lesbian, bisexual, polyamorous, and pansexual seduction…How do you take seduction out of just the heteronormative sphere… that’s not the only world that we exist in.” [Sarah’s note: I read her book on seduction for women]
    • So while pickup artistry is a thorny topic, we shouldn’t be so quick to judge. Do I think PUA guides are kind to women? No. But when you take it in context, some of its advice can be cathartically lucid.

Rachel Khona | The Frisky |

  • 8 lessons from Pickup Artists that Guys can Actually Use
    • Perhaps I had misjudged these men. Or maybe this is the new generation of PUAs; men less concerned with banging hot chicks and collecting notches on their bedposts and more concerned with making a connection with someone they actually liked.
    • 3. Use a more original line than “What are you doing today?” but still sound natural. If you have nothing else up your sleeve this is an OK line, but something funny or a comment about what’s going around you would be much more engaging. Don’t make the mistake of using a canned pickup line. Women hate those.
    • 4. Ask who she is and what she does for fun. Everyone likes talking about themselves and this allows guys to come up with an innovative date she’ll love. That is, if she says yes.
    • 5. Don’t be a douche. “I went to Harvard.  I work for Goldman. I live in a sick penthouse in SoHo.  I’m also an astronaut.” Yes! Barlie talked about the importance of not being a douche, defined as a man who is not paying attention to the woman he’s talking to — only how to impress her. Very important in a class about picking up women.

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Segment #2

PUA: The Good, the Bad, the Ugly

Madeline Davies | Jezebel (humorous)

  • Fending off pick up artist
    • Funny tips to weird out a weirdo, but this is the crux of the article:
      • “Don’t feel defeated. Though pickup artists may try to convince you otherwise, you are a strong, independent woman…” (Elijah loves that last line)

Erica Stratton | XOJane

  • I Used PickUp Artists Tactics to Try to Get Laid–and I Failed Miserably
    • This incident should have embarrassed me, since I could feel that something was off the entire time I talked to him. Instead, I felt triumphant for doing everything “right,” then despairing when he didn’t call a few days later. But his obvious discomfort stayed with me, and it was with relief that I eventually dropped my “social experiments,” vowing to find a way to hit on people that didn’t make them feel so damn uncomfortable.

Weijing Zhu | theworldofchinese.com

  • PUA tips from 1989 (Chinese)
    • Girl for Guy:
      • “Excuse me, is there a post office nearby?”
      • (You already know where the post office is. You see that he is walking in the direction of the post office, and then you ask him. This way the two of you can walk together. If he finds out that you are faking it, you can tell him directly: “Because of your attractiveness, I wanted to get close to you.” Believe he will be happier when he hears this.)
    • Guy for Girl:
      • “Do you have aspirin?
      • Remember to make out as if you are in pain, only then will you garner sympathy from her. Women often carry this kind of medicine on them, due to their natural biological needs.”

Gawker

  • PUA Admits Slashing Tires so He Could Hit on Female Drivers
    • When the women returned to their cars from the supermarket, Harada would approach, calling out, “Looks like you’ve got a flat. Let me fix it for you.” While changing the tire he would strike up a conversation with the women and exchange phone numbers with them.

iTunes Review

If this show was good to you, let me know by leaving a review on iTunes. Simply go to relationspodcast.com/review and leave us a good review! Good reviews put this show in front of more people and allow us to create more awesome relationships through either following or ignoring the advice given on this show. If we’re making your relationships a better place, take 30 seconds and leave us a review!

Segment #3

  • Listener Tips

In Closing

In closing, on behalf of myself, Elijah R. Young, and everyone involved in bringing this show to your ears, we hope we’ve made your relationship better today than it was yesterday. Now go forth and relate to one another…we’ll talk soon.

 

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0005 – Rules, Boundaries, and Limits

“In this episode…”

We’re talking about dating rules, setting boundaries, and limitations. What are the parameters you use to date well, and date safely.

Teaser Bullets

by the end of this episode you’ll learn:

  • Rules for the first date
  • Setting and changing personal boundaries
  • When is the appropriate time to have that first time

Describe the problem

Whether it’s because of our upbringing, our past relationships, or reading one too many Cosmos, we all have our own spoken or unspoken rules, boundaries and limitations when it comes to our dating and relationships. But what happens when your rules are a dealbreaker for someone else? Or what if your boundaries and limitations are unrealistic and causing you to miss out on potential opportunities?

  • First date rules
    • Edmonton Dating
      • My First Date Rules
        • First dates should be fun! – I don’t understand why Men take women out on dinner dates. They are expensive and awkward. You’re going to go to an expensive restaurant with a person who you’ve never met or barely know and spend a lot of money on a date where you will have forced conversation and watch each other chew food? The best first dates are things like bowling, karaoke, going to a cool local coffee shop, walking along Whyte Ave and taking in the sites, etc. Good dates don’t need to be expensive dates.
    • Adriana Velez
      • No Sex on the First Date & 8 Other Love Rules Made to Be Broken
        • Always let the man pursue – “I have actively pursued two people and both situations worked out. I like being pursued as well, but it’s never an active decision either way or a rule that I follow. I follow my gut — if I can’t help but go after this person, then I do.”
    • Holtz Psychological Services
      • First Date Rules: How to Get a Second Date (Part 1)
        • Be Flirty. Many people leave a date having no idea if the other person was “into them”.   You are not out with your friend; therefore, if you are interested in your date, show them. Don’t make it a guessing game.  Remember, being flirtatious is best done in a subtle rather than overt way!
      • 20 First Date Rules
        • Never compliment her appearance. Even if she asks.
        • Make sure she laughs, even lightly, at least once every few minutes.
        • Avoid spending more than 15 dollars. Zero dollars is optimal.  Spending money is for women you’re already having sex with, not first dates.  (Note: Women over age 33 will hate this rule and take great offense to it.)
        • Be sexual. Talk about sex. Get her to talk about sex.
    • Dana Schuster
      • New Dating Guide Breaks The Rules: Sex On First Date Okay
        • Don’t sext – There are some things you simply can’t prevent in the modern digital age — one of which is sexting. That said, Wilser warns: “If you haven’t actually slept with this person in real life, it’s too soon to sext.”

Segment #2

  • Personal Boundaries
    • The Rules Revisited
      • The Importance of Personal Boundaries
        • Personal boundaries are the limits at which you “draw the line” and prevent other people from infringing on your personal world, that is, your personal rights and emotions – essentially, they are the limits of “what you will put up with.” Boundaries apply in both big and small matters, and in all areas of your life: romantic, practical, physical, emotional, spiritual.
        • Some people draw their boundaries quite close to themselves, allowing others to infringe upon their personal world dramatically, without resistance. Others draw expansive boundaries, protecting even their smallest and least significant rights and emotions relentlessly. Balancing between these two extremes is critical.
      • 5 Strong Boundaries for Personal Relationships
        • I will not maintain an unequal relationship – A relationship is give-and-take. Friendships and dating relationships involve two people who are free to be themselves without hiding, shame or fear. A healthy relationship involves two people who take turns being there for one another, and who respect what each has to say without putting expectations on one another’s feelings. A healthy relationship gives both parties room and freedom to express your respective realities without judgment.

If you don’t have the freedom to be you and enjoy the mutuality of the friendship, then you do not have a friendship to begin with… You are operating from a one-down position, as if the other person’s needs are more important than yours. I’ve learned to steer clear of these types of people, no matter how badly it hurts. I know I am valuable and I would rather go without a friend than to have a pretend friend who doesn’t listen to me, hear me or respect me.

    • Doctor NerdLove.com
      • What Will You Put Up With? Boundaries, Self-Esteem and Dating
        • When I get emails from guys who want to know about how to handle women who consistently make plans and then flake, or from women about guys who try to leverage their self-esteem against them, I always have the same question: “Why are you letting them do this to you?”

When you’re dealing with game-players and other toxic individuals, it takes two to play… and it only takes one to bring things to a halt.

iTunes Review

If this show was good to you, let me know by leaving a review on iTunes. Simply go to relationspodcast.com/review and leave us a good review! Good reviews put this show in front of more people and allow us to create more awesome relationships through either following or ignoring the advice given on this show. If we’re making your relationships a better place, take 30 seconds and leave us a review!

In Closing

In closing, on behalf of myself, Elijah R. Young, and everyone involved in bringing this show to your ears, we hope we’ve made your relationship better today than it was yesterday. Now go forth and relate to one another…we’ll talk soon.

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0004 – Body Language Explained

“In this episode…”

we are talking about body language, image and confidence and how it can help–or hinder–your dating life or relationships

Teaser Bullets

by the end of this episode you’ll learn:

  • how to read your date’s body language
  • what body language is most attractive
  • one of the biggest body language turn-offs during a date

Describe the problem

Knowing people’s intentions is tough to do. How do you know if someone is into you, or more importantly, not into you at all. How can we use tools like body language, and confidence to give us insight into our date and partners. By the end of this show we’ll have a better idea of how to ‘read’ what our partners are saying to us, even when they’re not speaking.

  • On body language
    • Dating Headshots.com
      • How to Read Your Date’s Body Language
        • Legs apart. The iconic power stance (especially when hands are on the hips), standing with your legs apart means you’re in charge. Watch out! This stance can indicate a dominating personality and unwillingness to compromise.
        • Leaning. If your date leans toward you, it’s a sign that he (or she) is enjoying your company. If your date leans away from you, you’re headed for a crash. You can build trust and perhaps head off that crash by quietly mirroring your date’s body movements.
    • Adult Aspergers Chat
      • Reading Body Language: Dating Tips for Adults on the Spectrum
        • In order to gauge the acceptance level of another individual, use the “personal space” test. This test consists of moving a little bit closer to an individual at a social setting so that you are standing close and reducing the size of the space around the other person. An individual less interested in you will attempt to move away. If he or she looks at you, raises the eyebrows and smiles, then this person is usually open to having a conversation.
    • Stuart Pybus
      • Dating and Body Language
        • Some ‘body language’ isn’t what it seems at all, for example:
        • Someone rubbing their eye might have an irritation, rather than being tired – or disbelieving, or upset.
        • Someone with crossed arms might be keeping warm, rather than being defensive.
        • Someone scratching their nose might actually have an itch, rather than concealing a lie.
    • David Vice
      • Body Language Attraction
        • Even your toes are a part of body language attraction that can’t be ignored. Keeping your toes inward is also a good idea because it suggests that you’re not a huge threat. You are willing to stick with someone if that person gets closer to you. This means that you will not appear to be threatening in any way. Women always like it when their men are non-threatening and interested in them for what they are.
    • Anthonia Akitunde
      • Body Language Is Still Important In Dating Over 50
        • Too many clothes – “I see a lot of women in their 50s and beyond wearing way too many clothes, because they’re worried about how their legs look or their arms showing — that’s a physical reflection of what they’re thinking in their minds: ‘I’m not attractive enough,'” Palmer said. “Creating that is another barrier between you and men.”

Segment #2

  • Body Language Do’s and Don’ts
    • Adult Aspergers Chat
      • Reading Body Language: Dating Tips for Adults on the Spectrum
        • People instinctively raise their eyebrows when they meet other interesting people. Use this “identifier” to measure the interest that another individual has with you. Interested or excited people will also have shiny eyes. The eyes have a tiny gland on the bottom of the eyelid that secretes tears for lubrication. When an individual is interested or excited, the glands tend to secrete tears, thus giving the eyes a shiny appearance.
    • Dakota Digital
      • Dating Body Language: Dos and Don’ts
        • One of the easiest and most effective ways to make a connection with someone and send the right signals with body language is by making eye contact. It can help to convey attraction and it can help to ignite that potential spark. Those who do not feel confident in themselves can often find it difficult to make eye contact with a date; they would rather cast their eyes around the room, looking at their meal, looking at their drink or looking at the table. Working hard on making eye contact can not only help the connection between two people, it can also help both parties to feel more relaxed and improve other areas of their physical communication.
      • Do’s and Don’ts: Body Language and Dating
        • Don’t be on your phone. This means no texting, checking Facebook, or taking calls. Not only is this a turn off, but you are sending the wrong message that you are obviously not that into them. If you are intrigued by the conversation and feel like there is some potential there, then make sure you are paying 100% of your attention.

iTunes Review

If this show was good to you, let me know by leaving a review on iTunes. Simply go to relationspodcast.com/review and leave us a good review! Good reviews put this show in front of more people and allow us to create more awesome relationships through either following or ignoring the advice given on this show. If we’re making your relationships a better place, take 30 seconds and leave us a review!

In Closing

In closing, on behalf of myself, Elijah R. Young, and everyone involved in bringing this show to your ears, we hope we’ve made your relationship better today than it was yesterday. Now go forth and relate to one another…we’ll talk soon.

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0003 – Dating and Social Media

“In this episode…”

We’ll talk about what happens when you take your existing relationship online. What kinds of pitfalls and precautions should you take?

Teaser Bullets

by the end of this episode you’ll learn:

  • When to get public on Social Media
  • The pro’s and cons of social dating.
  • Googling your partner, good idea, or bad idea?

Describe the problem

Social media has us more connected than ever, but is this a good thing? When it comes to dating and relationships, we can find out more about our dates, potential partners and lovers than we ever thought possible. So what are the rules, the boundaries, and the best ways to keep a little mystery in your dating and love life without sacrificing your digital connection?

 

 

  • How soon is too soon for writing mushy statuses about the person you’re dating/in a relationship with?

 

There’s always that one girl who must post vomit-inducing updates about her “SsSsEXXXY BOO!!!1.” Don’t be that girl.

“Although Facebook is known as a social network, where Linkedin is well known as a business networking site, the digital lines between the two have become blurry,” Spira tells us. “Ask yourself, is this something I’d want my parents or boss to see before you post it? In other words, if you won’t kiss-and-tell, then don’t post-and-tell.”

    • Lauren Suvall
      • Dating and the Impact of Social Media
        • Is social media eliminating elements of intrigue and mystery? And what if we see particular photos, status updates, tweets, or blog posts that negatively affect our view of the individual? Are we judging their online activity too quickly?
    • Robert Manni –
      • Social Media and Dating: The Good, The Bad, and The “Oops”!
        • The Oops – Between Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc. we live in an age of maximum exposure.  Once it’s online, it’s there forever.  You need to be mindful when being photographed at the party wearing just your tats and drinking straight out of a bottle of Whipped Cream vodka.  That may not be something you’d want to share with future paramours or potential employers.  My policy when dealing in the online space is if you can’t keep it positive; don’t put it out there.

Segment #2

  • Googling your dates
    • Samantha Henig
      • Why You Should Stop Googling Your Dates
        • You turn into a comparison shopper – the treasure trove of data available via social media sites has encouraged people to treat their dating options like a shopping experience.
    • Julie Spira
      • Googling Your Dates — Can It Backfire?
        • The Glamour article cites a recent Match.com survey, which said that 38% of women would cancel a first date because of something they found out about him online and 48% of women research their dates on Facebook.
        • “Every piece of positive information you learn online about someone will probably drive you toward having sex sooner,”
        • “Part of it is that pre-dating makes you feel like you already “know” each other by the first date.”
    • Amanda Blum
      • ARE WE ALL JUST JADED HAGS? WHETHER TO GOOGLE YOUR DATE OR NOT
        • I thought about it last night, thought about it long and hard, as I poised my mouse over the search button. I was trying to decide whether I was going to do it or not. I’ve been seeing someone for a week or two. We met at the dogpark. Things were going uncharacteristically good — so good I was suspicious.
        • Something special happens to your ability to trust over time. You start out at 20, young and hopeful and full of the ability to believe. Through no fault other than experience (not all men are dogs, but as people we tend to lie a lot) if you end up 35 and single, expect to have depleted the trust bank to the point you’ll be living paycheck to paycheck. I work hard to balance that with not challenging people too much to love me. Its a highwire act, as many of you probably know.
    • Chiara Atik

 

iTunes Review

If this show was good to you, let me know by leaving a review on iTunes. Simply go to relationspodcast.com/review and leave us a good review! Good reviews put this show in front of more people and allow us to create more awesome relationships through either following or ignoring the advice given on this show. If we’re making your relationships a better place, take 30 seconds and leave us a review!

In Closing

In closing, on behalf of myself, Elijah R. Young, and everyone involved in bringing this show to your ears, we hope we’ve made your relationship better today than it was yesterday. Now go forth and relate to one another…we’ll talk soon.

 

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0002 – Handling Breakups

“In this episode…”

We’re talking about handling break ups. What do you do when y’all becomes just you?

Teaser Bullets

by the end of this episode you’ll learn:

  • Get clarification on why breakups stink
  • Tips on how to handle breakups
  • Tips from Sarah on the idea of ‘Breaking Up’

Describe the problem

As good as the relationship is when it’s on, it hurts alot more when it’s off. Many of us cringe at the idea of having to dump someone that we once (or still) love, but sometimes these things have to happen. By the end of this episode, hopefully you’ll have an idea of how to approach your next breakup with class and tact.

  • Why Breakups Suck
    • Dr Karen Finn (https://twitter.com/DrKarenFinn) – http://www.functionaldivorce.com/
      • Growth: The Unexpected Gift of a Breakup
        • I’m not going to mince words: breakups suck! When you invest your time and very being into a relationship, it’s earth shattering if that partnership ends. When I got divorced, I felt like a tornado had come through and wiped out everything I thought I was, and everything I thought my world was off the face of the earth. I was left feeling desolated and uncertain what to do.
    • Jevgeni Särki (http://enhanceyourexistence.com/blog/)
      • How to Handle a Breakup
        • The breakup itself doesn’t feel bad or hurt anyone. The thoughts we experience during and after a breakup instead do and can feel very bad (because we feel our thinking). Here are some examples of thoughts that can make us feel bad and hurt:
        • “Everything was going so well and now I’m alone again. Loneliness is so horrible…”
        • “What if I never find anyone again?”
        • “What I he/she was The One?”
  • Tips to Handle Breakups
    • Benoit Denizet-Lewis (https://twitter.com/BenoitDLewis) –  https://www.facebook.com/pages/Travels-With-Casey/263362263719249  
      • What Are the Basic ‘Rules’ for Handling Breakups?
        • . . . The girls outnumbered the boys, and they didn’t hesitate to gang up on a charming — and, until then, immensely well liked — 17-year-old named Roberto, who proclaimed with a bit too much gusto that “racing to update your relationship status after a breakup” is a healthy behavior. That was just one of a handful of scenarios the teenagers debated and placed into “healthy” or “unhealthy” categories: others included “posting mean/embarrassing statuses about your ex” (unhealthy) and “rushing into a new ‘Facebook official’ relationship” (understandable, but still not healthy).
    • Rebekah Bell (https://twitter.com/RebekahBell)
      • 5 Things I Wish I Had Known about Breakups
        • Your worth is never tied to other people – One of the most damaging lies countless people struggle with post-breakup is that they’re worthless. We buy into the misguided idea that our value is wrapped up in whether or not a guy takes us to dinner or responds to texts.

Your worth is never defined by the success or failure of any relationship. Your value never changes based on what an ex is saying about you, or whether or not they move on before you do.

    • Alysia Stern (https://twitter.com/@alysiastern) http://www.rendezvousinc.com/
      • How To Handle A Breakup On Facebook
        • First and foremost, wait at least six months to post that you are “In a Relationship”. Sharing your significant other to the social media world should wait. You could always write sweet comments on pictures or posts if you feel the need to “piss on someone’s wall” to make it clear that they are “taken”.
    • Melissa Melms (https://twitter.com/melmsie) – http://dkcnews.com/
      • 7 Ways to Handle a Breakup While (Gasp!) Living With Your Significant Other
        • Make a clean break. While you’re still living together, you may catch yourself falling into your old romantic roles and you may be tempted to have sex. Things will go more smoothly if you stick with the decision to break up and don’t confuse yourself or your partner by behaving in ways that might imply a reconciliation that isn’t going to happen. If you find it hard to be around your partner, spend less time at home and try to expedite plans for one of you to move out.  
    • Margaret Boykin ( https://twitter.com/margaretboykin)
      • Breaking Up in The Digital Age
        • There’s no doubt about it—breaking up in our digital age means that the pure act of not seeing someone in person any longer isn’t enough. You have to break up with their online presence, too, and because your lives are so interwoven through multiple social media platforms, that’s a marathon endeavor.

Segment #2

  • Sarah & Open convo on breaking up from your book!!!
    • How to be Dumped: the Definitive Breakup Guide
    • Breakups are physiological
    • Find your Thing
    • 10 Breakup Commandments
    • Got questions on how to conduct yourself after a breakup? Just follow these ten simple commandments.
    • 1. Thou shalt not contact thine ex for at least 30 days for any reason, and especially not to say, “Hi, I miss you.”
    • After a breakup, you’re an idiot.
    • Sorry, it has to be said.
    • I’m not pointing fingers. I was a COMPLETE and TOTAL LUNATIC after my last breakup. Things that made no sense at all were reframed into, “THIS IS THE MOST BRILLIANT EMAIL ABOUT MY FEELINGS I’VE EVER WRITTEN. SEND.”
    • I cried in public over songs that I’d normally scoff over.
    • I watched terrible movies and derived hope and meaning from 90 minutes of treacly bullshit.
    • And not that my lunacy is everyone’s lunacy, but I’m telling you…your brain is broken right now. Detoxing. Wreaking havoc on your body.
    • Give yourself space away from your ex to re-set to normal (whatever your old normal was, and whatever your new normal will be).
    • Make it at least 30 days, re-evaluate, then add more time if you need it. Remember, your brain is doing some crazy things to your body, so you are somewhat unable to think clearly through this emotional trauma.
    • Take time to leave things as clean and quiet as possible before you let all your crazy break things even further.
    • I promise you, friend, 30 days is but a trifle. I know your brain is thinking right now, “But what if there’s a window???” If there is a window (and sorry, there isn’t), but if there IS and it means you two will be together FOREVER, 30 days is NOTHING for the two of you to get your shit together. In fact, 60 days is nothing…six months is nothing.
    • The BEST thing you can do for either of you–if there is, indeed, hope for getting back together–is to take this forcefully mandated time to look back, fix what you need to fix, and become a better person. That is something that neither of you will ever regret in the long run.
    • Oh, and to answer the questions that are plaguing your ever-loving soul:
    • No, he hasn’t forgotten you completely.
    • Yes, she heard everything you had to say.
    • No, you don’t need to say goodbye one last time.
    • Yes, you made yourself very clear the last time you spoke.
    • No, you don’t need to get your stuff back right now.
    • Yes, sending that email is a bad idea.
    • 2. Thou shalt not permit yourself to stay in a shitty situation with your ex simply because it is convenient.
    • One of my exes and I shared a condo for a few months after our breakup.
    • No. No, no, no. Never again.
    • The space we so badly needed after our split was nonexistent (see Commandment One), because, you know, we regularly passed each other on the way to the bathroom.
    • And sure, it was convenient to continually shack up as we looked for other places, but it wasn’t healthy.
    • (Plus, we broke Commandments Three and Four because we continued in our idiocy.)
    • So I had to ask him to move out…which meant an inconvenient move for him back to his parents’ basement…and it meant I was inconvenienced by now having to live by myself in a sort of scary neighborhood…but man, did it ever feel good to breathe.
    • Therefore, friends: Do not do shared custody of your pets.
    • Do not hang out in the same groups together if it’s too painful (and kick any of your friends who think you should suck it up and be more mature and just do it for the sake of the group. Noooope.)
    • Do not continue anything that feels uncomfortable to you just because it’s close, or easy, or “the way you’ve always done it.” At least, for a minute.
    • Find a new bar, buy yourself a bike if you share a car, crash on someone’s couch (done it), ask for space, define your boundaries, and do whatchoo gotta do to carve out what you need, no matter how inconvenient things are in the meantime.
    • I mean, yay for shared rent and stuff…but that’s what Craigslist is for. Find a new roommate. STAT. Or get a cheaper apartment. Or sell some stuff. Or work out a schedule if you must. But you must start to re-calibrate, and you can’t do that very well if you’re still sharing groceries.
    • NOW, if you’re sharing custody of human beings, you’re going to have to get over yourself a bit and figure stuff out. HOWEVER, you can still take massive strides to reclaim a little bit o’ you in that situation. People do it all the time, promise.
    • 3. Thou shalt not sleep with thine ex.
    • Stop it, stop it, stop it.
    • This move is terrible for both of you, but especially for the person who is still hoping it’s all going to miraculously work out. I don’t care how horny you are, don’t do it. Someone will be sad at the end of it all, I guarantee it.
    • 4. NO REALLY, THOU SHALT NOT SLEEP WITH THINE EX.
    • Do you really think it’ll bring him back to you? Do you really think she forgot how good your cock was and will miraculously want to try to be bf/gf after she gets it one more time? Do you really think he will be able to keep his feelings out of it? Do you really think she’ll be able to stay rational when she JUST told you how much she wanted you back?
    • Friend, if he/she wants to be with you, they will want to be with you without needing to sleep with you to work it out. Give yourself a little credit, FFS.
    • And if you’re the one who knows it’s over and you did the dumping? Shame on you. Hands off, bucko (or buckette). I don’t care if she DID give you the best orgasms of your life…you’ve been giving yourself some pretty good ones since you were 13. I bet you’ll find that rhythm again real quick, ya jackass.
    • (I’m not bitter.)
    • 5. Thou shalt not be less than anything but honest with your ex, no matter if you think it’ll make you look bad, or it will be hurtful to your ex.
    • I’ve said this before (and I feel SUPER WISE when I say it): mean is bad, nice is worse, dishonesty is acid on the soul.
    • When you are breaking up with someone, say what you need to say, no more, no less.
    • Don’t coat it in half-promises, or half-truths, or silly attempts to soften the blow. All the person being dumped will hear are the bits and pieces that make it seem like, “Maybe, just maybe, if this one thing changes, he’ll come back!”
    • No. That’s not how it works.
    • If you don’t have the feelings you need to have, say that.
    • If you are seeing someone else, say that.
    • If you think the person is completely toxic and self-destructive and you refuse to be tangled in their web of lies, say that.
    • The most honest thing anyone has ever said to me was, “I do not want a relationship…with you.”
    • He didn’t deliver it as, “I don’t want a relationship…right now,” because all I would have heard was “right now” and then I would have followed him to the ends of the earth (I’m a glutton for punishment like that). Instead, he nipped it right in the bud.
    • Even though I was a mere 18 years old and it felt like jumping into the Arctic naked to hear him say those words to me, it was oddly comforting. I knew exactly where I stood with him, and I could make a clean break and go.
    • Did it suck? Yes. Did it probably take some guts for him to say it, knowing it would hurt me? Sure. Did we both move on quickly without messy talks and pleading and hope? Sure did.
    • Be brave, have a little courage, and say exactly what you mean. No more. No less.
    • 6. Thou shalt fucking go through the five stages of grief
    • Mourn it, baby. Embrace every wave of crazy emotion you feel after a breakup. Get mad. Get sad. Feel both of those things at once. Let it all out, then practice accepting your new normal.
    • Don’t try to skip this part by burying it with the next person you meet. That shit will be like that bowl of ramen you left in the corner of your dorm room Freshman year…it’ll fester and mold and get worse and worse until you are forced to address it.
    • 7. Thou shalt not wallow
    • Get it all out, sure, but set a reasonable time limit for your grief. Four months of the sadz was more than enough for me. It should have been two months, but I also broke commandments 1, 3 and 4.
    • Give yourself that first full 30 days of no contact to auger that shit out. Be gentle with yourself in month two as you proactively practice Acceptance.
    • But if you’re getting into month three and you’re still wearing those awful sweatpants and posting angsty things to Facebook, snap out of it. Or see a shrink, ‘cause you might need some meds (for real).
    • There is too much life to live and too much of your goodness to spread around for you to stay holed up in your hidey hole. Go, go, go!
    • 8. Thou shalt give your friends a break occasionally
    • Your friends are awesome, they really are. Mine are. I have pages and pages and pages of Gchats and emails from them as I processed my little brain through my sadness. They were all wonderful, to a T. Tough love when I needed it, a little sympathy when I didn’t. Beautiful tidbits of advice, shoulders to lean on, company when I just needed to sit with someone and drink some chai and not be in my apartment.
    • Except one day I remember sort of waking up out of my funk, just before I was about to go on yet another tirade of, “Maybe all my sad will go away if I do this,” to yet another of my long-suffering friends when I realized I was tired of hearing myself talk.
    • I think I might have even said, “OhmygodI’msoboredwithmyself.”
    • And then I was like, whoah. If *I’m* tired of hearing myself talk, imagine how THIS BITCH WHO I’M ABOUT TO UNLOAD ON FOR THE TEN THOUSANDTH TIME feels. Shit.
    • Obviously, you need a kind ear to help you through all the whatnot, but remember to ask your friends about themselves here and there. While they are likely happily forestalling their own burdens in the name of helping you with yours (I know I do for mine! Happily! I love them and want to help, 100%), they might just need the smallest break to, oh, you know, talk about the weather for just a minute.
    • Plus, it’ll do your brain good to get outside of itself for a minute and care about something else.
    • Oh, and if you’re the friend who is being supportive, don’t be afraid to say, kindly, “Hey, do you mind if we talk about my work situation for like two seconds?” Remember, your broken buddy needs a second to snap out of him/herself anyway and your problems didn’t miraculously disappear the moment her boyfriend broke up with her via emoji.
    • 9. Thou shalt write/work it out
    • My parents presented me with a journal in the third grade and it’s probably the greatest gift they’ve ever given me (besides the ability to scrub a mean toilet, thanks Mom!). I’ve been journaling my fee-fees ever since. During my last breakup, I wrote a series of letters to my ex. I never sent them, but it was a way for me to get it alllll out in a safe, non-threatening, non-judgmental environment.
    • By the time I finished journaling all about that dude, and by the time I penned the last unsent letter (there were twelve. TWELVE LETTERS OF CRAZY, AH, AH, AHHHH!), I felt reasonably sane. I mean, I look back on that hot mess and can see how I was pretty much fucking insane…but at least it was contained to the screen in front of me and I could keep my dignity to some degree. Plus, it helped me process through some of the tougher emotions.
    • You don’t have to be a good writer to write. Maybe you just record yourself talking. Or maybe you pen some poems. Or maybe you get your fiction on. Or maybe you draw. I don’t care…just do something creative and emotive that allows you to do something with your Feelz besides bottle them up inside.
    • I also learned after my divorce that moving around is one of the best things you can do for yourself after a breakup. It’s one of the last things you want to do for yourself after a breakup, but still. Do it. At least take a walk around your block or traverse the mall, or I dunno, do something more strenuous like beat the shit out of a punching bag or something.
    • One of the things that was most important to me after my divorce was that I not take any meds to dull what I was feeling. But I needed to do something to manage my emotions, so my therapist at the time encouraged me to work out hard. So I did and I trimmed down and found myself looking forward to the hour a day where I thought of nothing else but moving and sweating and maybe even grunting a little.
    • I’ve hit the gym hard after every emotional upheaval since. I try to hit it regularly anyway, but after a breakup, especially, I dedicate myself to moving. The bonus is you get to feel better about your body, and by the time you’re over the breakup, you look supah fly.
    • So move. Move, move, move.
    • And write. Write, write, write.
    • 10. Thou shalt get the fuck off Facebook
    • Goddammit, will you unfriend your ex already? On everything? Seriously. Go right now. I’ll wait.
    • Done? Great. So…why did I tell you to do that?
    • Staying friends with your ex on Social Media is not helping you “get over it.”  When you see her shit on Instagram and fly into random rages about seeing her with her arm around some dude (who is probably her cousin), that is not healthy. You’re not getting over it, you’re rubbing salt into your wound. Or, you’re just feeding all that post-breakup crazy by stalking some random girl who popped up in his feed to say, “Had so much fun last night!”
    • Then–WHADDYA KNOW–you are crying and bugging your friends and posting terribly angsty passive aggressive stuff all over the Interwebs AND IT IS AWFUL.
    • STTOOPPPPP.
    • The good Lord above invented the delete button for a reason. Be liberal with it. Push it. Push it real good. Unfriend, hide, delete, block, erase.
    • You’ll be happier that you don’t have to read into every little detail of his/her published life (which he/she is OBVIOUSLY doing just to fuck with you, RIGHT), and we’ll be happier that we don’t have to try to read into your weird vague posts about, “Some people just don’t care about kindness,” bullshit featuring an ironic photo of a dead cat on Flickr. Or one of those Some ecards. Or even worse, a sunset.
    • (OK, clearly I have my own Social Media hangups…but I digress.)
    • Again, you are literally fighting an addiction to someone, and Social Media is the absolute WORST at letting you sneak hits. Quit it. Cold turkey. Move on (dot org).
    • So that’s it! Follow these 10 Commandments (all of which I’ve broken…which is why I wrote them in the first place) and I betcha anything, in 30 days you’ll be feeling WAY better than you would have otherwise. Promise.

iTunes Review

If this show was good to you, let me know by leaving a review on iTunes. Simply go to relationspodcast.com/review and leave us a good review! Good reviews put this show in front of more people and allow us to create more awesome relationships through either following or ignoring the advice given on this show. If we’re making your relationships a better place, take 30 seconds and leave us a review!

In Closing

In closing, on behalf of myself, Elijah R. Young, and everyone involved in bringing this show to your ears, we hope we’ve made your relationship better today than it was yesterday. Now go forth and relate to one another…we’ll talk soon.

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