GUEST: Dr. Hilary Brewster
RECORD TIME: 1/4/14, 10 a.m.
People who choose not to have children.
Guest Info
Dr. Hilary Brewster is currently an assistant professor at Marshall University. Though she teaches in the English department (and tutors math), her true passions lie in thinking and talking about sexuality and gender issues, especially with high school and college students. She is an active volunteer in her community, a doting mom to her senior citizen cat, and permanently shut down the Fallopian Freeway in 2011.
Teaser Bullets
by the end of this episode you’ll learn:
- myths and facts about people who choose not to have children
- things not to say to people who choose to remain childless
- how to approach dating when you don’t want to have children
Describe the problem
A 2010 Pew Research report showed that childlessness has risen across all racial and ethnic groups, adding up to about 1 in 5 American women who end their childbearing years maternity-free, compared with 1 in 10 in the 1970s. But even with the rise in those who choose to remain childless, there is a stigma or misunderstanding in a culture that often equates “womanhood” with “motherhood” (or even “family” with “children”). So what do you if you think you’d like to remain childfree? And how do you navigate dating if you think you don’t want to have kids?
Segment #1
Myths and Facts
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- 8.. Myth: we hate kids (a lot of CF people are teachers, etc.)
- Reason: We realistically understand how much childrearing involves (money, time, scheduling, etc.) and are not interested because we are more interested in having time for jobs, hobbies, partners, travel, pets, etc. (though this often falls into that “career-oriented woman” fallacy)
- 7. Myth: We had troubling childhoods and are just afraid of replicating it/being bad parents.
- Reason: Environmental/social justice impacts (over population, increased consumerism, etc. One study found that the carbon footprint of having a kid is 20 times worse than pretty much anything else, and using reusable diapers ain’t gonna offset it.)
Top things not to say to CF people (Hilary’s Note: called “bingos” and are probably more women specific because patriarchy and are also MY personal most annoying ones, in order.)
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- 6. You’ll change your mind. (NO ONE says this to women who DO want kids)
- 5. It’s different when they’re yours. (NO SHIT. So is everything.)
(more of these after the break)
Segment #2
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- 4. It’s “natural.” Hilary’s note: (Fine, but IVF isn’t, so…?)
- 3. You just haven’t met the right guy. Hilary’s note: (This is biological mansplaining, to say the least. Also, including TJ, the last 3 guys I’ve been with don’t want kids.)
- 2. You’ll regret it. Hilary’s note: (People regret lots of things. LIKE HAVING KIDS, but no one is allowed to voice that opinion, despite the internet being rife with forums of regretful parents)
- (Also annoying: you’re selfish, you won’t know real love, you won’t have a family, who will take care of you when you’re old…)
Coming up…the #1 tip for what to do if you’re childfree or thinking about being childfree and how to approach dating.
Final Thoughts:
Number One Tip: REALLY think about how you feel about dating someone who is a fence sitter or who already has kids from a previous relationship…and be honest when you’re dating.
- Elijah’s Thoughts
- Sarah’s Thoughts
Show Close
If you have a question, comment, or funny story about [INSERT SHOW TOPIC] you can send us an email at elijah@relationspodcast.com. You can also follow us on Twitter at “Haverelations”, find us on facebook at facebook.com/haverelations. I’m @elijahryoung on Twitter, my amazing co-host (and author of “How to be Dumped: The definitive Breakup Guide” is @sarahJStorer on Twitter and this show’s notes and soon, it’s transcription, will be at our home base, relationspodcast.com/[ShowNumber], and don’t forget to subscribe to the Get the Gal, or Get the Guy mini course in the sidebar!
Now go forth and continue to relate better to one another. We’ll talk soon.
Optional: You didn’t ask for this, but here are some terms used in the CF community
Breeder (a parent)
Fence Sitter (someone who hasn’t made up his/her mind)
Bingo (the phrases we get regularly)
Backslide (like when a parent is “ugh, Timmy pooped on me and I was late for work and Susie threw up and we were up all night. But it’s worth it!”)
Crotchgoblin and cooterfruit (among other awful terms for kids)
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