0022 – Attraction Part II of II

“In this episode…”

…we’re talking about attraction! What’s that feeling that you have when you have to have someone else, and how do you create that?

Teaser Bullets

by the end of this episode you’ll learn:

  • if you can manufacture attraction
  • if you should be manufacturing emotional or physical attraction
  • tips on attraction

Describe the problem

Steps to a better definition:

Chemistry–the interaction of one personality with another, rapport, sympathetic understanding. Chemistry is universal…you can have “good” chemistry, “bad” chemistry or even “no” chemistry with lots of different kinds of people, platonically or romantically

Attraction–magnetic charm, fascination, allurement, enticement. Not universal. You can have good chemistry with your boss (you work well together, “get” each other), but not be attracted to him.

Can you manufacture attraction?

Nina Malkin | Chemistry.com

The New Rules of Attraction

When it comes to finding love, there are certain truths that seem so irrefutable that any single person would be a fool to not follow them. Maybe you’re a firm believer that you can tell within seconds if you’re attracted to someone. Or, maybe you adhere to the idea that a first kiss says it all: If you feel fireworks, your date’s a keeper; if it bombs, cut your losses. While these romantic maxims have their fans, experts insist that these laws no longer hold true in today’s dating world. In short, many rules single people follow need a little revamping.

Old rule: You can tell if you’re truly attracted to someone in three seconds

New rule: You can’t tell if you’re truly attracted to someone until you’ve had three dates

“Love at first sight” is a familiar romantic notion. And in our increasingly fast-paced world, it’s darn convenient to think you can tell if you click with someone that quickly. But experts recommend cultivating a bit more patience, sticking to a three-date minimum to know for sure whether you’re a match (or not). The reason: People are a bundle of nerves on date #1, begin to unwind on date #2, but only by date #3 can people truly relax and maybe build some rapport. And while sparks early on are nice and all, they say nothing about someone’s long-term potential. “An important part of a compatible relationship is assuring that each partner’s values coincide, and to learn that takes time, discussion, observation, and interpersonal interaction, not an initial impression based on superficial cues,” says James C. Piers, Ph.D., professor and program director of social work, at Hope College in Holland, MI.

Old rule: Your first kiss should be a toe-curling experience

New rule: Your first kiss is inconsequential

Old rule: When it’s true love, you think about this person constantly

New rule: When it’s true love, thinking about this person makes you feel good


Christian Carter | Eharmony.com

Emotional Attraction–The Key to a Deep Connection


If you’ve ever thought when you meet a guy, “Oh, he’ll never go for me – I’m not his type,” or “I’m unlucky in love and will always mess up relationships”, then you’re the only one getting in your own way.

The way we see ourselves, the way we think about ourselves, and our “mindset” has a lot of power. It can either create great things and drive us forward towards success and happiness in our lives…


Here’s something you should know about men…

Men are naturally drawn to women who are really able to be fully present in the moment, and they are turned off by women who are thinking about the next date, or the next month, or the next 10 years.


Part of the attraction a man feels for you at the beginning is that you are new to him, and he’s like a little kid discovering all the amazing things about you.

So keep him discovering!  Create tension and interest by not always doing or saying the “obvious” thing. This will keep him thinking and wondering about you and get him doing things to get more of your time and attention.

Segment #2


NOTE: googling “how to create attraction” pulls far more results on men trying to get a woman attracted to them rather than the other way around. Just thought that was interesting.


David DeAngelo | AskMen.com


Top 10: Ways to Spark Attraction


Number 10 Stop trying to impress her


Most guys think that they need to IMPRESS an attractive woman. They try to be on their best behavior and not make any mistakes or say something that will upset or offend her. Of course, this leads to nervous, self-conscious, “stilted” behavior AND it creates a tense, uncomfortable atmosphere that literally KILLS any attraction she may feel for you.


Number 9 Keep the power

Most guys give away their power when they’re with a woman. But do you think women are ATTRACTED to men who do this? No. The solution is to let her know that YOU are the one doing the “selecting,” NOT HER. Show that you’re picky about who you spend your time with and tease her about how she’s screwing up her chances with you. Communicate that she’s going to have to be on her best behavior to “qualify” for your time, and you’ll be surprised just how far she’ll go to get on your calendar.


Breed Familiarity…


Susan Walsh | Hooking Up Smart.com


How to Use Familiarity to Create Attraction


Known as the exposure effect, [familiarity] is “a psychological phenomenon by which people tend to develop a preference for things merely because they are familiar with them…In studies of interpersonal attraction, the more often a person is seen by someone, the more pleasing and likeable that person appears to be.”


…familiarity, [however], will not create sexual attraction in and of itself if the parties do not find one another physically attractive.

Still, familiarity produces the following:

  • identification of common ground
  • responsiveness, including encouragement, support, humor
  • mutual self-disclosure
  • feeling liked produces reciprocity of liking
  • downplays critical assessment, which interferes with social engagement
  • feelings of comfort and safety


(Sarah’s note: I often use/create familiarity even in my every day interactions…part of being “charming”…but never knew it was a “thing”)


SJS and ERY tips?

iTunes Review

If this show was good to you, let me know by leaving a review on iTunes. Simply go to relationspodcast.com/review and leave us a good review! Good reviews put this show in front of more people and allow us to create more awesome relationships through either following or ignoring the advice given on this show. If we’re making your relationships a better place, take 30 seconds and leave us a review!

Segment #3

  • Listener Tips

In Closing

In closing, on behalf of myself, Elijah R. Young, and everyone involved in bringing this show to your ears, we hope we’ve made your relationship better today than it was yesterday. Now go forth and relate to one another…we’ll talk soon.

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