What are some things to consider before you move in with your partner? Today’s show references article from HowStuffWorks.com, Mens Health and Cosmopolitan.com. To see all the resources for this show and leave a comment or question go to the page for this show at relationspodcast.com/113.
By the end of this episode:
- Things to consider before moving in
- How to know it’s time to move in together
Describe the problem
…You like each other…a lot, and you’re ready to take it to the next level. You’ve decided to combine households, and it’s exciting, but it’s a little different than your typical roommate situation (in that you probably didn’t go to college with this person, and you touch pants parts a lot). So how do you handle all the day-to-day details of living with another human, while bolstering your relationship? Find out in episode 113: Moving in Together (Part One).
Segment #1
Please consider…
- Finances One of the biggest relationship stressors (much bigger than a beach vacation) is money. Moving in together means tying your lives together financially, and if you don’t know what you’re getting into, you could end up with more conflict (not to mention resentment) than you bargained for. Is your partner a spender? A saver? A starving artist? A compulsive shopper? It doesn’t necessarily matter what the answers are, you just need to have them before you commit to cohabitation so you can make an informed decision before jumping in.
- Space So, you already spend five nights a week at your partner’s place. The question is, do you count the hours until you get to go home and be alone? Living together part-time is very different from really living together. Are you ready to give up a lot of your personal space and privacy? And are you and your partner on the same page regarding how much of that space and privacy you’ll maintain after merging homes?
- Expectations Moving in together can be a smart thing for couples who are already spending most of their time together. You’ll both cut your living expenses, and you’ll be burning a lot less gas when you don’t have to drive back and forth from each other’s homes. And if one of you thinks you’re being smart by moving in together, and the other thinks you’re preparing to get married, someone is going to end up very hurt (and/or homeless). Motivations are a crucial factor and need to be understood beforehand.
- Kids If you or your partner has children, the ante is significantly upped. Moving in and moving out is a much bigger deal when there are children moving with you, so think about it long and hard, and then think about it again. Most kids need stability to thrive.
Segment #2
- Your Relationship Will Change Now that you’re “domestic partners,” things are going to be different around here, mister. Effective immediately. “Cohabitation,” says Miller, “is a lot like turning the TV to your favorite channel—and then leaving it on 24-7. You’re bound to see some stuff you don’t like so much.” For one thing, your beloved won’t always look as hot as she used to when you picked her up on a Saturday night. Yes, that gorgeous lady is still in there somewhere, but now you’ll have to get acquainted with the stinky chick who just came home from the gym, and the testy woman who’s too preoccupied with the Weiner account to succumb to your frisky antics. Know this and accept it before going in.
- Your Problems are Wedlocked Live-in couples have to deal with many of the same issues spouses do. One of the thorniest is keeping the relationship fresh. Because you’re no longer dating, it’s crucial that you maintain the relationship’s fun factor. For starters, don’t become too reliant on one another. “It’s really important not to put all your eggs in one basket,” says Whitman. “Often, people make the mistake of giving up all their other relationships just because they’re living with someone. You need to spend time apart to appreciate the time you spend together.”
- You’re Not Engaged, Yet – Like it or not, when you move in with your girlfriend, you’re sending a message: “I’m ready to settle down.” Unless you’ve made it clear that living together is not a formal engagement, she’s likely to think there’s a diamond ring in her immediate future.
Final Thoughts:
#1 Protect Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself “Make sure your name is on the lease!” warns Sherry Amatenstein, relationship expert and author. Sherry describes a couple she was working with recently: “They were going to buy a place together and the woman was just gonna let her boyfriend put his name on the contract and not hers. I talked her out of that in a heartbeat. It may not sound romantic, but you need to protect yourself in case of a split and you need it in writing.”
- Elijah’s Thoughts
- Sarah’s Thoughts
In Closing
If you have a question, comment, or funny story about [INSERT SHOW TOPIC] we have a private SafeSpace on facebook where we talk about all sorts of social, professional, and romantic relationship topics, and after every show you can go there and share you story, get some advice from great people or just hang out. Both Sarah and I are there every day and you can be there too, just go to www.relationspodcast.com/join and click the “Join Now’ button.
Until we meet again, keep striving to make every relationship you have the best it can possibly be, including (and especially) the one with yourself. We’ll talk soon.
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